


Something Near Perfect

by LostImp



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, Depression, Eating Disorders, F/F, Fluff, Multi, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-20
Updated: 2018-03-23
Packaged: 2019-03-21 22:06:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 39,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13750161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostImp/pseuds/LostImp
Summary: Alaska is recovering from an eating disorder. Sharon is doing her best to help her girlfriend, while mean girls add to the ever growing chaos that is Alaska's mind.





	1. Chapter 1

Sharon leaned against the bleachers as she lit her third cigarette of the afternoon. She knew she had time for one more before cheer practice ended and she could take her girlfriend home. She watched as Alaska cartwheeled across the field for what seemed like the fiftieth time today. As much as Sharon could not stand the annoying cheers and bitchy girls, she rarely missed a practice. She knew Alaska liked her being there, it made her feel safe, she once told Sharon. Plus there was always Alaska’s gorgeous legs and ass stare at in her perfectly cropped uniform.

Alaska was very different to the other girls on her team. She didn’t spend her weekends at parties full of football players and drunk cheerleaders. In school she was quiet, soft-spoken and a little odd, which meant that she did not fit in with the Alyssa and her bitchy cheerleader friends. Alaska loved cheer because she had her two best friends, Willam and Courtney on the team with her. She had to put up with shit from the head cheerleader and her minions sometimes though, unfortunatley.

They loved to make little remarks on her messy hair and gangly legs. It didn’t bother Alaska when they criticised her appearance, she could handle that. It was only when they started mocking her relationship and the fact that she was gay that she got nervous. Alaska knew very well that her life could be made a living hell if Alyssa or any of the other girls wanted it to be. Of course she would never let Sharon know about any of this. She knew that her girlfriend would personally take it upon herself to make them pay for their words, and Alaska hated making Sharon worry. She did however, always feel safer when she could see her blonde haired, black clothed girlfriend smoking by the bleachers.

When practice finished, Alaska pretty much ran to the locker room to grab her things, and after making a quick promise to meet up with Court and Willam that weekend, she left to go find Sharon. She could feel a small smile that creep onto her lips as she walked out the school door and straight towards her girlfriend’s motorbike. She couldn’t wait to spend the next two days curled up in Sharon’s arms.

“Hey babe” she drawled, with a little grin on her face, “Miss me?”

Sharon simply responded by grabbing her tall girlfriend by the waist and pulling her in for a long, long kiss. When they pulled away, Alaska was grinning widely.

“You look stunning babe” said Sharon, her voiced laced with lust, “That uniform… it just…” she trails off and grabs at Alaska’s ass through her tiny skirt.

Alaska quickly spins away, laughing cheekily, “Do you want to at least try and make it home before you stars to fuck me?”. Her eyes sparkle mischievously.

“Feeling naughty, are we baby?” replied Sharon, eyebrows raised.

“Maybe” Alaska said quietly, before swinging her long legs over the back of Sharon’s bike, as Sharon climbed on in front of her. Immediately Alaska wrapped her arms around her girlfriends waist and lay her head on her shoulder before whispering in her ear “why don’t we go home and find out?”

Sharon could feel the hair on her arms stand up on end under her heavy leather jacket. The affect Alaska had on her astounded her sometimes. Just as she was about to pull her helmet over her head, she heard the irritating high-pitched shrieks of the other cheerleaders come out of the building behind them. Alaska hears them too and turns to look over at the girls. 

“Come on baby, let’s…”

Alaska is cut off by one of her teammates, Gia she thinks, yell out “Hey Lasky, going to fuck your sleazy girlfriend, you dyke?”. Alaska visibly cringes at the homophobic language, and begs for Sharon to drive away, fast.

Sharon’s eyes narrow at the laughing cheerleaders getting into Alyssa’s car. “What was that Alaska?” she moves to get off her motorbike.

“Nothing babe, please, let’s go” pleaded her stressed girlfriend, holding onto her tightly.

“Alaska if they’re“

“It’s nothing Sharon, please, let’s go. Please, we can talk about it at home”

Sensing her girlfriends distress, Sharon reluctantly turned on the engine, and pulled out onto the road. Alaska breathed a sigh of relief, but she knows she has a tricky conversation to navigate when they get home to Sharon’s flat.

When her mother had died, and Alaska had been left with her stepfather, she found herself spending most of her time in Sharon’s place. Needless to say her stepfather had no complaints. Sharon had been living in her flat for a year and a half now, ever since her parents had kicked her out. Both girls had jobs to pay rent, and the living situation worked out rather well for them. Sharon’s flat may not have been in the nicest part of town, but the interior completely made up for everything the exterior lacked in Alaska’s eyes.

She had spent a lot of time at thrift stores, picking out little items to decorate their little sitting room, finding matching plates and cups for the kitchen and cosy blankets for their bedroom. Despite their home having only four rooms, they both loved it.

Sharon dropped her jacket on the yellow coat hanger when they got home, and Alaska dumped her bag on the floor by the couch. She sat curled up into the couch and took out some work from her bag. Sharon went into the kitchen and started on making something for dinner. This part of their day was routine, both separately working in comfortable silence. Sharon cooked and Alaska wrote and it was so delightfully domestic but to an outsider looking in, the situation seemed completely out of place. This had never bothered either girl because the little life they had built for themselves suited them perfectly, so they really couldn’t care less if it seemed strange to other people.

“Food, doll” Sharon said, as she places two warm bowls of pasta at their funky little table in the corner of the kitchen.

Alaska jumped up and bounced over to her girlfriend, kissing her on the cheek before dropping herself down on her chair. She looked down at her pasta, before slowly picking up a piece and placing it cautiously into her mouth.

“Head ok love?” asked Sharon.

Alaska smiled up at her, releasing she was watching her closely.

“Head’s good. Thank you babe, it’s delicious”

Sharon kept her eyes on Alaska for a minute, making sure she really was ok. Satisfied that her girlfriend was eating and not being controlled by her head, she began on her own food.

“So Lasky, about what happened back at school, is this a regular thing? Are they hurting you? Do they always say those things?” Sharon asked, never one to beat around the bush.

Alaska loved that Sharon was so protective of her, but she didn’t want her to be bothered with a couple of bitchy cheerleaders in school.

“It’s fine, really Shar, they’re ignorant and they don’t know what they’re talking about. They aren’t hurting me and I don’t let it get to me. Please don’t worry” Alaska said calmly, hoping this was enough to reassure Sharon that there was nothing to worry about.

“You’re sure it’s ok? And do you promise to tell me if things get out of hand?” the older girl asked earnestly.

“Don’t I tell you everything babe? I promise don’t worry.”

They cleaned up after their food, Sharon content that Alaska had eaten most of the big bowl of pasta she had given her, they went to curl up on the couch.

After some time debating, Alaska agreed to let Sharon put on a horror movie, provided she would be allowed to cuddle up with Sharon in a position that would make it easy for her to cover her eyes when she got scared. This was a very easy compromise for Sharon to make, which led them to where they were now. Sharon in the corner of the couch with her girlfriends head on her chest, lying in between her legs, big blankets wrapped around them, twisting the beautiful blonde hair in front of her into little knots and untangling them again.

Something near perfect, Sharon thought.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alaska goes to work. What happens after isn't as fun.

Alaska was woken by the light coming through the small window in the sitting room. Turning her head up slightly, she saw Sharon, still sleeping, breathing softly with her arm wrapped tightly around her girlfriend’s waist. Turning ever so slightly to stretch out her legs, she realised she still had her cheer uniform on. They must have fallen asleep at some point during whatever scary film she had let Sharon put on, she thought. She would have to shower before going to the café where she worked, which meant waking Sharon. Alaska quickly resolved that if she would have to wake her girlfriend to move, she might as well do it in the nicest way possible.

Lifting herself up gently so that she was face to face with Sharon, she began peppering little kisses on her forehead, softly moving her way down the bridge of her nose. Sharon stirred and hummed before opening her dark eyes to meet Alaska’s sparkling blue ones.

“Hi” Alaska whispered, before leaning in and kissing her lovers’ soft lips. After a moment they broke apart.

“Hi” Sharon smiled.

“I have to go to work soon” pouted Alaska, “But I do have time for a shower, and I was wondering maybe if you possibly just wanted to come too?”

“Mmm, sorry doll, I don’t think so, I’m not really into taking showers with tall hot blonde girls” Sharon said, failing miserably at hiding the smirk that crossed her face.

“Is that so?” Alaska said, standing up and turning her back to Sharon, “Suit yourself then” as she swayed her hips dramatically in her short cheer skirt walking towards the bathroom, knowing full well that Sharon would follow immediately behind her.

In the bathroom, Alaska turned on the shower and pulled off her top, and then removed her bra. She reached behind her to undo the zip at the back of her skirt but it was stuck. She pulled sharply on the zip but it wouldn’t budge. Suddenly she felt a soft pair of hands on hers, moving them away from the zip. Carefully and patiently Sharon slid the zip open, letting the skirt fall to the floor.

Without turning around Alaska slid her underwear from her hips, letting them join her cheer skirt on the ground. She silently stepped into the shower letting the warm water flow down her back. Sharon pulled off her t-shirt and tight jeans and stepped in under the water behind her.

Alaska began rubbing shampoo through her long messy hair. Again, placing her hand’s on top of her girlfriends, Sharon moved them away, replacing them with her own, gently massaging her girlfriends head and hair. Alaska closed her eyes, allowing herself to enjoy one of the many intimate moments with Sharon that she loved so much..

Turning around to face Sharon as she let the water rinse out her hair, Alaska wrapped her long arms around her girlfriends’ shoulders, pulling her in gently to a slow, soft, passionate kiss. The kiss quickly escalated into a heated mess of hands everywhere, messy kisses scattered across lips and faces, necks and shoulders.

Sharon slid her hand down Alaska’s chest and stomach, slowly reaching lower and lower. This elicited a soft moan from her flustered girlfriend.

“Please Shar, more” she drawled.

The slightly shorter girl was more than happy to oblige, inserting one finger inside the taller girl. Her actions were graciously awarded with another moan, this time longer and deeper. Alaska craved Sharon’s touch, it was more intoxicating than any drug or drink she had ever had.

Although Sharon could have stayed there all day, she knew Alaska had work, and so did she, so she sped up her actions a little bit, inserting a second finger. Alaska threw her head back, exposing her neck, which Sharon eagerly covered in kisses and little nips, which only caused Alaska to writhe more under her girlfriend. Knowing she was close, Sharon twisted her fingers quickly, knowing exactly what to do the give Alaska the most pleasure. Twisting her fingers once more Alaska let out a whine.

“Ah…Shar…I” she moaned, unable to form coherent words.

Pushing her fingers up once more, Sharon sent Alaska over the edge. She held her girlfriend upright as she shook under her. Once she steadied herself Alaska kissed Sharon passionately, over and over.

Both girls were shaken from the trance they were in abruptly as the water turned freezing cold. Leaping out of the shower, they laughed, grabbing warm towels to wrap around each other. Alaska checked her phone.

Eyes widening she ran out of the bathroom and into the bedroom.

“I’m going to be late! I’m going to be late, it’s 9 Sharon, I have to be in at 9:30” Alaska yelled, pulling her clothes on quickly, yanking miss matched socks onto her feet.

“It’s ok doll, I’ll drop you off on my way to work, we’ll be there in 20 minutes calm down” Sharon said throwing clothes on herself too, following Alaska out to the kitchen and grabbing her leather jacket from where she threw it yesterday. Alaska was standing at the mirror, tying half of her wet hair into a messy bun on top of her head.

“It’s 9:05 babe, we’re ok” Sharon assured her girlfriend.

Alaska let herself exhale for the first time in five minutes. She looked over at Sharon, “How do you manage to look so cool and hot in literally five seconds flat?” she asked incredulously.

“Just a gift, I guess” Sharon winked, “Grab a banana for the road babe” she said as she grabbed herself an apple and headed out the door.

Alaska stared at the fruit bowl, knowing she should take something with her to make up for the lack of breakfast, but she didn’t. Her head said no, and she didn’t have time to argue this morning. She grabbed the second motor bike helmet and ran out the door.

“I’ll swing by and get you at four babe, ok? I’m finished after three.” Sharon said, lifting her helmet of her head as Alaska hopped of the back of the bike. She reached forward and pulled Alaska in by her waist to kiss her.

“I’ll miss you” Alaska whispered, against Sharon’s lips.

“I love you. Don’t forget to have a decent lunch to make up for the small breakfast baby”

“I won’t. And I love you too. Bieeee” Alaska said, as she jogged towards the back entrance of the little café.

Alaska enjoyed her work, she liked the people that she worked with, she liked the atmosphere of the cosy little café. She even liked her boss who was a fifty-something year old gay man, who let them organise their own hours and paid them well. It all suited Alaska to a tee, to be able to come to work and have friends and enjoy making the drinks and talking to new people. It was somewhere she felt like she fit in, which didn’t happen too often.

It had been a relatively busy morning by the time Alaska got to have her lunch break at one. She liked to sit out back where they had a small outdoor smoking area, that she and her co-workers had collectively decorated over time, with small paintings on the wall, and little pots of flowers beside the couple of chairs. Usually, it calmed her down to be able to have her own space to sit quietly and eat on her own. Usually. But today that didn’t really work in her favour. Having skipped breakfast, mainly because she was in a rush, Alaska had given her head a bit of power, a little bit of the old control it loved so much, and as she sat staring at the sandwich in her lap, she couldn’t quite bring herself to eat it. She had let her head have access to her actions, and today was just one of those days where it did not want to let go.

She sat like this for a while, staring at her food, knowing her lunch break had to be over soon. Suddenly, one of the guys that worked with her, Jamie, opened the door behind her which made Alaska jump.

“Hahaha sorry Laska, didn’t mean to scare you” Jamie laughed.

Alaska smiled up at him “Sure you didn’t James” she said, sticking out her tongue.

“Do I need to go back in now?”

“No, you have another five minutes before Adore needs to take her break. You’re good. Could I interest you in some fruit salad my dear? It’s got the most amazing strawberries you’ve ever had in your life, I swear” he said, offering her the box.

Fighting very hard with her head, she reached forward, grabbing a small handful of fruit from the box, knowing that she needed to eat at least something small. If not for her own sake, then for Sharon’s, she told herself.

“Thanks Jamie” she said, eating the pieces of fruit slowly, trying to distract herself by listening to the latest story of one of Jamie’s late-night escapades, before making her way back inside to finish the last couple of hours of her shift.

At four o’clock, Alaska was just making her last coffee when she heard Sharon pull up outside. She smiled gratefully, because she had been starting to feel a bit ill over the last hour. Handing over the latte she had made, she grabbed her jacket from behind the counter and headed through the kitchen and out the back.

“See you tomorrow, Adore” she said, kissing her friend on the cheek as she hurried out the door.

“Bye Lasky” Adore called behind her.

Sharon was outside leaning up against her bike, a lit cigarette between her lips. Before she met Sharon, Alaska wouldn’t have generally liked the idea of anyone smoking, but with Sharon she somehow found it incredibly sexy. As her girlfriend walked up to her, Sharon threw her cigarette on the ground and kissed Alaska sweetly on her forehead before pulling back and looking straight into Alaska’s eyes.

Alaska knew exactly what she was doing. She could tell immediately if something was up with Alaska and given how she felt at that moment, Alaska imagined she wasn’t looking her best.

“Let’s get you home baby” Sharon said calmly, unable to mask the concern in her voice as she swung her leg over the bike. Her girlfriend followed, climbing on and wrapping her arms around Sharon, resting her sore head on her shoulder.

They walked silently up the stairs to their flat, only letting go when Sharon had to unlock the door. Alaska walked in behind her, knowing she needed to sit down on the couch, but before she could do so, her vision went blurry, then patchy and then completely dark.

The last thing she felt were her knees giving way to the floor.


	3. Chapter 3

“Alaska, Lasky, baby can you hear me? You’re ok love, you okay Lasky. I’m here” Sharon said calmly as she held her girlfriends head in her lap. It scared Sharon half to death every time this happened, but she knew how to handle it. She was sure Alaska would wake up in a few minutes, and assure Sharon that she really was ‘fine’ and ‘ok’ or ‘just a bit tired’. Well at least she would try that for a minute or two anyway before telling Sharon what really happened.

It was hard for Sharon not to beat herself up for not checking in on Alaska at lunch, or making her eat a bigger breakfast, but she had learned from past experiences that this wasn’t her fault, and it wasn’t Alaska’s either. When Sharon had met Alaska, her mother had just died a couple of months before, she wasn’t in a very supportive or loving living situation to say the least and her eating disorder was slowly ruining her life. They had both come a long way since then, and were together for over a year. Their relationship made them better.

Alaska had given Sharon all the love and support that she had never experienced in her own home and made sure that she knew she deserved happiness and love. She had given Sharon a reason to live, at a time when Sharon had nothing. And in turn she had pulled Alaska out of the depths of a serious eating disorder after the grief of losing her mother. It had taken a lot of work and effort from both of them to get to where they are, and it wasn’t always the easiest journey.

However, in Sharon’s eyes there was no comparison between where they are now, and where they were when they met. These episodes that Alaska’s has, or ‘bad head days’ as they call them, tended to be few and far between. That’s the thing about eating disorders, once they have power over a person, they really don’t like to relinquish it, no matter how long you fight to get rid of them. And Sharon could always tell when Alaska’s bad head gained a bit of that old power. Something in the back of her head told her that this episode could have something to do with what was going on at school, and she made a mental note to investigate that further in a few days when things had calmed down.

Below her, Alaska’s eyes squeezed together tightly.

“Lasky, baby, I’m here. You’re ok. Just a little fall. I’ve got you baby don’t worry” Sharon said softly, stroking her girlfriends hair.

Slowly Alaska opened her eyes, feeling a shooting pain in her stomach and head. She didn’t panic, she knew that pain well.

“Sharon, I’m sorry, it’s ok, I’m fine now, I…”

“Lasky, don’t apologise, and please no excuses” Sharon interrupted “Can you come sit up on the couch with me?”

Alaska nodded, and let Sharon gently lift her up onto the couch, lying her down in the same position as last night, between Sharon’s legs with her head on her chest.

“Please eat this for me baby?” Sharon sort of asked, sort of pleaded with Alaska, handing her one of the sweet protein bars she usually gave her after an episode like this.

Alaska reluctantly took it and began nibbling on the edge.

They sat in comfortable silence for a minute, Sharon stroking her girlfriend’s hair as she slowly ate a tiny corner of the bar, letting her take a few minutes before explaining what happened to get her to this point. She knew it took a few minutes for Alaska to get her energy back up after she collapses.

“I really am sorry, Shar” Alaska started.

“Lasky, you know I hate those words” Sharon said firmly, making sure that there was no hint of anger in her voice.

“I know, it’s just…. I hate when this happens”

“I know you do, doll, and I hate watching it happen, but it isn’t your fault, so you don’t get to apologise. Do you want to tell me what happened today though?”

“Well we were running late…. and… and I didn’t have time to fight my head to let me eat breakfast and so…I didn’t”

Sharon pursed her lips at the idea of Alaska not having eaten breakfast. She knew that if Alaska missed breakfast it messed with her head. She kept her arms tightly around her girlfriend, making sure she felt safe enough to keep telling her what happened. She knew that when Alaska fainted, she felt extremely vulnerable afterwards.

“And so I just started working, I tried…. I tried not to think about letting my head win…. and … and it worked until lunchtime when I went out back like I usually do. I brought a…. a sandwich out to eat. I stared at it. For the longest time. I just couldn’t shut my head up. I promise I tried. I really did. And then Jamie came out and I had some of his fruit. Not too much, a few strawberries, my head wouldn’t let me eat much. And then I went back in to work. It was fine until about two. No, about three, and then I knew was feeling bad, my head was foggy and my stomach got those sharp pains and you know what my head is like when it’s bad… and then you came… and I was so embarrassed… and we… we came home…and…and “

Alaska tried to calm herself, to breath, but she couldn’t get her lungs to function.

“Hey, hey baby, calm down, it’s ok, you’re ok. Come on baby, breath, you’re ok. Try and copy me. Breath in, hold it, breath out. That’s it doll, keep going. In, and out.” Sharon continued to hold her girlfriend tightly, calming her down.

Having steadied her breathing Alaska curled up into a ball and turned to look up at Sharon, thick heavy tears falling down her pale cheeks.

“Lasky, you’re ok baby. I’m here. You’ll be alright. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. I love you” Sharon wiped Alaska’s tears from her cheeks and kissed her lips ever so softly, as if she were a delicate treasure that would shatter into fragile pieces if she wasn’t careful.

“I love you too” Alaska whispered.

Again, they sat in comfortable silence for a little bit, holding each other, Sharon occasionally kissing her girlfriend’s forehead or temple gently. They moved slightly when Alaska’s phone started to ring. Sharon reached over and grabbed her girlfriends bag from the ground where it had been discarded earlier, and handed the phone to Alaska.

“Hiya Bill” Alaska said softly, after answering the call from Willam’s number.

“Hiya Lasky, are you ok? You sound tired”

“Oh hi Court, I’m ok.” Alaska replied, not surprised that Courtney had Willam’s phone. Neither of them had said anything to her but she could swear that there was something going on between the two.

Courtney was similar to Sharon in the way that she could usually tell when something was up with Alaska. They had known each other since they were about twelve years old and right now she could sense that something wasn’t right with her best friend.

“I know you aren’t ok, Lasky, but I know Sharon will look after you. I was calling to see if you wanted to come to this guys’ party tonight with me and Bill and…”

“I’ve got weed Lask, we’ll have a fun time” Alaska heard Willam yell, presumably having just walked in to the room.

She then heard Courtney whisper yelling at her other best friend. Something along the lines of shut up, not ok, tell you later, before picking back up the phone.

“I know you aren’t now, but will you be alright?” Courtney asked kindly.

“I will, Court I promise. Sorry about tonight”

“Don’t mention it. I’m sure Bill will smoke some extra weed for you. We might come see you at your break at work tomorrow instead if you’re there. Get some sleep and I’ll text you tomorrow ok?”

“Thanks Court, I will. I love your pussy” Alaska drawled.

“I love you too”

“Me too!” called Willam

“Bieeee” Alaska replied tiredly, before hanging up.

By the time Alaska hung up the phone, Sharon had slipped out into the kitchen and prepared two bowls of her girlfriends favourite soup with slices of toast. Alaska was fighting her head, that was screaming at her to get out, to run, to get away from the food. Still sitting on the couch, Alaska buried her head in her hands, trying to calm the angry voices down.

Sharon noticed this, and left the food on the kitchen table, walking over and sitting down on the ground in front of her distressed girlfriend.

“Can you tell what me it’s saying?” Sharon asked, almost inaudibly.

Without looking up, Alaska starts talking, as if possessed by the voices in her head, trying so hard to rid them from her mind.

“Get out. Get out. GET OUT” she yelled, scaring Sharon who was fighting back tears watching her girlfriend so distressed.

“Alaska, instead of trying to fight your head alone, can you tell me what it’s saying, and I can help you fight it?”

Cautiously lifting her head out of her hands, Alaska reveals wet, bloodshot, wild looking eyes, staring directly at Sharon.

“It’s saying run. Leave. Get away from the food. It’s bad, evil. And you don’t deserve it. You can’t eat food. You don’t do that anymore remember? Get out of here. Run away. Don’t make stupid mistakes, Lasky. Get out of here. Run” Alaska recites, in a frantic voice.

“And it’s right. I don’t deserve it” she whispers sadly.

Her eyes are looking desperately into Sharon’s, as if begging her to get rid of the voices in her head.

“I need you to focus very carefully on what I’m telling you Alaska. You deserve happiness. You deserve joy, and love. You deserve to be healthy. I know how scary this must be for you, but I also know how incredibly strong you are. You can fight the bad voices in your head up. I know you can. And I’ll always be here to help you. You are strong, and beautiful and most importantly you are loved Alaska. And I know your head is bad now, but this is temporary. You will always be ok.”

After seeming to contemplate these words for a moment, Alaska stands up carefully, making sure she isn’t too dizzy.

“Can we go eat?” she whispers, sounding slightly terrified of what she was about to do.

“Of course we can baby” Sharon smiles and takes her girlfriends hand, walking over to the table.

Sharon made sure to keep talking to Alaska the entire time they were eating in an effort to combat the voices in her head. She talked to her about every mundane topic imaginable, and after a very slow and concentrated effort, Alaska finished her meal, smiling proudly having eaten a slice of bread and a full bowl of soup.

Laying in bed that night, wrapped up together, legs tangled in legs, arms linked with arms, occasionally sharing soft, comforting kisses, Sharon found herself unable to take her eyes off Alaska.

She is so beautiful, she thought to herself. It often surprised her, how much love she could have for one person. It was something she had never felt so strongly before meeting the blonde girl.

“Stop looking at me like that” Alaska blushed.

“Like what?”

“Like I’m a car crash that you can’t seem to pull yourself away from”

“That’s absolutely not how I am looking at you”

“How are you looking at me then?”

“I’m looking at you like you are the most precious, beautiful thing I have ever seen, and I can’t seem to stop staring. I don’t know how you managed to get it from a cold bitch like me, but you’ve stolen my heart, Alaska, and I don’t think I’m going to get it back”

“No you aren’t” Alaska smiled, before closing the tiny gap between them.

They both kissed one another as if they would never get the chance to do so again. They kissed for what felt like hours, but they kept it slow and so, so full of love.

They eventually separated, lying back down, and Alaska yawned. She was exhausted from fighting with her head all day and dealing with too many emotions.

“Go asleep, love, you ‘re tired”

“I love you” Alaska replied before snuggling in closer to Sharon and letting her eyes close.

Her girlfriend watched her for a little before kissing her head and whispering, “I love you more”.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sharon plans a little surprise.

When Alaska woke the next day, she immediately noticed Sharon missing from bed. She dragged herself up and out to the kitchen, still feeling quite tired due to the restless nights’ sleep she got. She followed a sweet smell that drifted into the bedroom from the kitchen. Sharon had been up since seven making pancakes for her girlfriend. If yesterday taught her anything, it was to not get lazy about making sure Alaska had eaten a good breakfast. She knew that the best way for her girlfriend to recover after a bad head day was to reinforce good habits immediately, which meant starting with a decent meal and leaving lots of time for them to eat it.

“Morning Shar” Alaska said, walking over to her girlfriend, wrapping her arms around her neck and kissing her.

“Morning sweetheart”

“You made breakfast?”

“I did”

“Thank you” Alaska smiled, and kissed Sharon again before sitting down at the table, and putting a large pancake on her plate and sipping some of the freshly made coffee.

Sharon joined her, putting two pancakes on her own plate. She knew that by doing so Alaska would feel more comfortable to eat more herself.

“Have you been up long?”

“No not really. I didn’t sleep to well and I figured I may as well get up and do something”

Alaska knew very well that her girlfriend had not woken up so early naturally, she knew she had to have put on alarm to get up to cook for her. They both knew this. It was routine for them after Alaska had a bad day.

“Thank you” Alaska said, reaching across to squeeze Sharon’s hand.

Sharon simply squeezed he hand back.

“Willam and Courtney are going to come see me at work today, so I won’t be alone at lunch” Alaska told Sharon, knowing that this would severely diminish the worry that her girlfriend had about leaving her alone at lunch, even if it stressed Alaska out more. 

Sharon smiled brightly, “That’s great babe, but please call me if you need to, I’ll come get you, you know I’m only twenty minutes away”

Alaska smiled back at her, before looking down at her plate, concentrating very hard on finishing the last couple of bites of her pancake.

“I can’t do it” she just about whispered, suddenly becoming very quiet.

“Yes, you can. I know you can. You’re strong. You’re in control” Sharon said firmly, “Look at me Alaska, focus on what I’m saying instead. Remember our plans for the summer. We’re going to graduate in a month, both of us. You with your excellent grades and I’ll pass everything, hopefully. We’ll go somewhere with mountains. Find a cabin to rent for a month. Near a lake. We’ll explore, and sleep in late, and watch sunsets and sunrises, skinny dip. The entire world will be ours Lasky, no restraints, no rules, no ignorant people, nothing. Just us.”

Alaska listened intently to what Sharon was saying, filling her head with images of a happy future. Replacing the dark thoughts in her head and allowing her to slowly finish off the end of her pancake. Staring down at her plate, Alaska surprised herself by how easy it was for her to eat the last bit of her breakfast when Sharon was there to help her.

“See babe, look how strong you are. You’re incredible” Sharon said, enveloping Alaska in her arms and kissing her hard.

For the first time in a long time, Alaska allowed herself to believe what Sharon was telling her, even if it was only for a minute. I am strong she thought to herself, who would’ve known.

A few hours later Alaska was at work, chatting to a couple at one of her tables when she saw Willam and Courtney walk in. She excused herself and bounced over to the door wrapping them both in a hug.

“Hieee” she said happily.

“Noise. Loud.” Willam said from behind her large sunglasses.

“She’s just grumpy because she drank too much shitty beer last night” Courtney said cheerfully, “You look good Lasky. Happy” she said.

“Thanks Courtney! And sorry Bill, I’ll be quieter, though I can’t speak on behalf of the baby at the back of the café” she said, giggling as she heard the baby shriek loudly as his mother tickled him.

Willam just groaned and stomped over to the table in the corner by the window – their usual spot.

“Can I get you guys anything?” Alaska asked Courtney.

“I’ll have a soy latte and a blueberry muffin and…” she looked over at Willam who had her head on the table, “Maybe get her the same” she smiled.

Alaska returned a few minutes later with food for her two friends and a muffin and juice for herself.

“So how are feeling today Lask?” Courtney asked

“Better. Yesterday was….well it was a bad day. I’m doing better today. I promise”

This seemed to be a good enough explanation to keep Courtney happy and they chatted cheerfully for the next hour of Alaska’s break, though she kept an eye on Alaska’s food to make sure she was eating something, which she did.

When the hour was up, both girls hugged Alaska goodbye, Willam looking considerably better having had a couple of cups of coffee.

Alaska kept a smile on her face as she returned to her work. She was grateful for her life and the people in it, however shit things got sometimes in her head.

It was just after half six when Alaska heard the loud growling sound of Sharon’s motorbike pulling up outside. Alaska was still due to work until closing at seven, knowing that Sharon would be happy to stay and smoke outside while she waited on her girlfriend. Adore however had different plans.

“Hey Lasky, why don’t you go home a little early today. You look tired. Plus your wife is here to get you” Adore said kindly.

“Thanks, Adore, but it’s ok. I don’t mind, my wife will wait for me anyway” Alaska said, smiling at the thought of calling Sharon her wife.

“No Lasky, I insist, you’ve worked a double shift today and I’ve only been here since lunchtime. Go be all mushy with your wife”

“You know my wife would not take kindly to people thinking she’s mushy” Alaska smiled, yawning.

“I won’t tell anyone” Adore winked, “Now please go get some sleep, I don’t need you passing out behind the counter” she laughed.

“Thanks bitch” Alaska said, kissing the other girl on the cheek before walking out back to meet her girlfriend.

“What’s that?” Alaska asked, pointing to the large backpack on the back of her girlfriends’ motorbike.

“Hello to you to babe”

“Hi” Alaska said, kissing her quickly, “Now what’s in the bag?”

“You have no patience, do you doll?” Sharon smirked

“Absolutely not. What is it?”

“I’m not telling you, you just have to trust me”

Stopping to think for a second, Alaska smiled mischievously before leaning forward, gently kissing a line up Sharon’s jaw and sucking gently on her earlobe.

“I’m not wearing a bra” she whispered.

Sharon shuddered, almost allowing herself to fall weak under Alaska’s seduction. She wrapped her hands around her girlfriends’ waist and pushed her away.

“Nice try, sweet pea, not gonna work this time. Hop on” she said and handed her a helmet.

Alaska pouted, but finally gave up, pulling on her helmet and swinging her long legs over the back of the bike and laying her head down on Sharon’s shoulder. She had no clue where they were going, as they drove past their apartment and up into the hills. Sharon finally pulled off the road and onto a small little lane.

She turned off the engine and slipped off the bike, grabbing the bag and setting off down a small path, overgrown with wildflowers.

“Where are we Shar?” Alaska asked, trying to figure out what her girlfriend had planned.

“Wait here doll. Don’t move. Two minutes, I promise” she said, disappearing around a wall.

Alaska couldn’t help but smile to herself, knowing part of the reason Sharon must’ve gotten up early was to plan this. Ever since she had lost her mom, with whom she was exceptionally close, she had a lot of trouble finding joy and love in the world. She didn’t get on with her stepfather, and didn’t know the rest of her family. When she met Sharon, she was depressed and severely underweight, and hadn’t felt anything close to happiness in months. Her girlfriend had picked her up and put her back together, like she continues to do every day and Alaska could not be more grateful. She found herself lost in her thoughts, dreaming about what her life will be like with Sharon once they graduate in a month.

“Earth to Lasky! Hello?”

“Oh sorry babe” Alaska smiled and took Sharon’s hand, “I got lost in my head for a minute”

Sharon’s face immediately fell, “Are you ok Lasky? Did you eat lunch? Are you..”

“No Shar, babe, I’m fine. I’m sorry, I got lost in good thoughts” Alaska reassured her, kissing her cheek.

“And you had lunch?”

“I did, I promise”

“Ok. Close your eyes” Sharon said, leading her around the corner.

“Ok, open them”

Alaska opened her eyes, looking around.

“Oh my god!” she exclaimed, covering her mouth.

She was on top of a hill, overlooking the lights of the town below them. The sky was clear and the sun was just beginning to lower in the sky. On the grass, surrounded by wildflowers and long grass, there was a large blanket layed out and on top of it there were small paper plates with varieties of food and a bottle of wine with two cups. Alaska was speechless.

“Do you like it?” Sharon asked smiling.

“I love you more than everything and everyone else in the world” Alaska said kissing her girlfriend hard, wrapping her arms around her neck and running her fingers through her short platinum hair.

Sharon kissed her back, rubbing her hands up and down Alaska’s sides slowly, enjoying the fact that in this moment, nothing can hurt them. They are alone and together and that’s all they needed.

Eventually the pulled apart, sitting down together on the blanket. Sharon saw Alaska shivering slightly in the evening breeze and reached over to the large backpack, pulling out two more warm blankets and wrapping one around her girlfriends’ shoulders.

“How did you get to be so perfect?” Alaska asked, amazed that Sharon had thought of everything she would need.

Sharon responded by popping open the bottle of wine and pouring some into the cups, handing one to Alaska. They preceded to sit for an hour, sipping wine and snacking on mini sandwiches and berries and little pieces of chocolate that Sharon had brought. They cleared the rubbish from the blanket into a plastic bag and lay down beside each other, Alaska pulling the blankets on top of each them.

“Adore was right, about what she said today” Alaska smiled.

“Mmm?”

“You are mushy” Alaska laughed as Sharon frowned at her.

“Don’t be mad baby” Alaska said, rolling over to lie on top of her girlfriend. “Let me cheer you up”

She slowly began kissing Sharon, stroking her arms up and down her sides. Sharon allowed Alaska to be in control for a moment before deciding she had had enough of the slow, controlled kissing. She attempted to sit up to flip herself on top. Alaska immediately pulled back.

“Ah ah ah, not today babe. Let me take care of you” she said, smirking and pushing Sharon back down onto the blanket, returning to her slow-paced kissing.

Knowing that this wouldn’t keep Sharon satisfied for much longer, so she began to slowly make her way in a line down her neck, sucking hard on the spots she knew drove her girlfriend mad. With her lips still attached to Sharon’s neck, she pulled her leather jacket from the shorter girls’ shoulders. Moving lower down, Alaska decided she needed better access to Sharon’s skin.

“Top” she announced, “off”.

Sharon obliged, pulling her black shirt over her head, revealing a dark bra. Alaska smiled and reattached her lips to her girlfriends exposed collarbone, leaving yet another dark mark that she knew Sharon would admire in the mirror tomorrow. Reaching her arms under her girlfriends back, she unclipped the dark bra, throwing it onto the expanding pile of clothing on the grass beside them.

Alaska slowly licked a line from the top of Sharon’s shoulder down to her nipple, eliciting a soft moan accompanied by a shudder. Sharon could have sworn at that moment that Alaska was some sort of magical goddess with an enchanted tongue, as she traced circles around her breasts. Sharon breath became quicker and raspier under her touch.

“Ah… Alaska…. Need to touch you… please” Sharon breathed.

Alaska sat up, legs straddling her girlfriends’ hips and she pulled her t-shirt over her head. She hadn’t been lying earlier, she was most definitely not wearing a bra.

Sharon about moaned at the sight.

Alaska pushed herself up onto her knees either side of Sharon’s legs. She undid the button on her girlfriends’ jeans and pulled them off her legs, once again adding to the clothes mountain. For the third time that evening, she returned her mouth to the soft flesh just above Sharon’s stomach. Continuing her achingly slow path down her girlfriend’s body she licked a trail down to the top of her underwear.

“Please Lasky” Sharon pleaded, but Alaska wasn’t going to give in that easily. She was determined to tease her a little bit longer.

Alaska licked a line down Sharon’s opening over her underwear. Sharon bit her lips hard, in order to stop any moans that were threatening to escape her. Alaska’s soft movements were tantalizingly slow. Sharon was desperate for more, more contact, more skin, more touching.

Finally, Alaska gave in, pulling Sharon’s underwear down her legs, along with her own leggings and lacey underwear. She settled herself in between her girlfriends’ knees, and sharply pushed her tongue inside Sharon, who gasped and let out a low moan.

If there was one thing Alaska was an expert at, it was knowing how to please Sharon. She knew every trick, every sensitive spot, every action that turned Sharon on the most. She knew that the prolonged teasing had turned her girlfriend on immensely.

She licked up and down Sharon’s folds, knowing she was close as soon as she clenched her thighs around Alaska’s face.

“Ah… Lask… I’m c- close” Sharon moaned.

Alaska sucked hard on her girlfriend’s clit, sending her over the edge. Alaska came up and kissed Sharon over and over on her soft lips as she was coming down from her high.   
After calming her breathing down, allowing the fabulous aftershocks to rock through her, Sharon attempted to flip Alaska over, and this time her girlfriend let her take control.

Alaska herself was already soaking wet after enjoying being in charge of Sharon’s pleasure, so she knew she wouldn’t last long. Sharon lazily kissed Alaska’s lips as she slid her arm down her beautiful body, slowly pushing a finger inside of her girlfriend, who dug her nails into Sharon’s arms in an effort to keep herself from cumming right then and there.

“So good for me babydoll” Sharon whispered, knowing that the praise only turned Alaska on more, “So so beautiful”

Alaska whimpered softly under her girlfriend.

Sharon nibbled lightly on Alaska’s ear as she added another finger inside her girlfriend, rubbing them faster. She could tell Alaska was biting back her release.

“Let go baby, let go for me” Sharon said raspily.

That was all the encouragement Alaska needed to put her over the edge. She repeated Sharon’s name over and over, coming down from her high as Sharon removed her fingers from her girlfriend, rubbing her hands up and down Alaska’s sides.

“Shh baby. So beautiful, so pretty” Sharon whispered soothingly, wrapping the heavy blankets tightly around them as she lay down, gently resting Alaska’s head on her shoulder.

Alaska sighed happily, curling in towards her girlfriend. Both of them lay there, completely content for an hour or two, dropping in and out of a light sleep. Eventually Sharon turned over and checked the time.

“Lasky, it’s after eleven and it’s getting cold doll. We should get back, we have school tomorrow” she whispered, shaking her girlfriend gently.

“Five more minutes” Alaska mumbled.

Sharon smiled and kissed her forehead, and standing up to pack their things up so that everything would be ready to go when she finally got Alaska up. She threw on her own jeans, boots and jacket, and put the rest of their stuff into the backpack except her girlfriend’s clothes and the blankets. Bending down, she gently shook Alaska again.

“Come on baby, let’s go” she said.

“I don’t want to move”

“I know doll, but I know you don’t want to get hypothermia either”

Alaska groaned and sat up, shivering.

“Arms up” Sharon said, pulling Alaska’s shirt over down over her head.

Her girlfriend finally stood up, pulling her leggings and shoes on quickly, leaning into Sharon, still shivering in the cold. Sharon wrapped one of the blankets around her shoulders and took her hand, following the small path back to her motorbike. As soon as they were on the bike, Alaska lay her head down on her girlfriends’ shoulder and fell back asleep. Sharon drove them back home and carried Alaska into their apartment. She may be taller, but she was extremely light which made it easy for Sharon to pick her up and lift her into bed. She climbed in beside her and was asleep within minutes with Alaska wrapped up in her arms.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alaska starts to fall downhill and Sharon can't help her.

Alaska and Sharon’s week passed uneventfully, both of them attending the necessary classes, Alaska going to her cheer practice ahead of a big game on Friday night, while her girlfriend kept a close eye on her from the bleachers. Sharon made sure Alaska was healthy and Alaska made sure Sharon was happy. As far as the two of them were concerned, if the rest of their days left in high school were as mundane, things would be ok.

Friday morning, Alaska walked up to her locker holding Sharon’s hand tightly in her own, smiling knowingly when she saw her two best friends doing the same coming the opposite direction up the hallway. Courtney’s eyes met Alaska’s and she dropped Willam’s hand, bouncing excitedly towards the tall girl.

“Lasky!” she exclaimed throwing her arms around her friends’ neck and kissing her on the cheek.

“By all means, feel free to make out with her, Courtney, it’s not like there is any reason you shouldn’t” Sharon said smirking.

“Such a shame she has a jealous girlfriend” Willam said, joining them and wrapping her arm around Courtney’s waist.

Alaska clapped her hands together happily, “I knew it! This is so good!”

Courtney blushed but Willam just grinned widely and wrapped her arm tighter around her girlfriend.

“It’s about god damn time you two fucked” Sharon said, feigning frustration, earning her a light shove from Alaska.

“Well it was inevitable she would fall for my good looks and sweet personality at some point” Willam replied.

Courtney rolled her eyes and Alaska giggled, interrupted only by the bell ringing.

“Shit, we better go” Alaska says, grabbing her books.

“I’ll see you at lunch doll” Sharon said, pecking her girlfriends’ lips and leaving for class.

The three blonde girls linked arms and set of down the corridor to their English class.

At their lunch break, Alaska headed out towards the bleachers to meet Sharon. She was carrying her lunch with her, an apple, water and a muffin, and humming softly to herself as she pushed through a back door and walked outside, only to come face to face with an unpleasant surprise.

Sitting outside on the grass were about five or six of Alaska’s cheer team, turning to stare at her as she opened the door. She put her head down and attempted to pass without interacting with them.

“Alaska, how are you?” Alyssa asked with a sickly-sweet smile on her face.

“I’m fine, Alyssa.” She replied, and kept walking.

“Wait a second, come sit with us”

This invitation only put Alaska on edge, knowing that nothing good could come from this conversation.

“No thanks, I.. I gotta go”

“Ok Lasky, but be careful, too many of those and you won’t be able to perform tonight” Alyssa said, pointing at Alaska’s lunch with a smirk on her face.

The group of girls surrounding her laughed.

“Not even that goth dyke will want to touch you if you’re fat Alaska” Gia said spitefully, eliciting more obnoxious laughter from the other girls.

“Shut up” Alaska replied, turning and walking back through the doors into the school, making a beeline for the bathroom.

Once she was inside a bathroom stall, Alaska allowed herself to breath.

They aren’t right. I’m not fat. Sharon won’t leave me. Right? I mean, maybe this muffin has a lot of calories, but Courtney made it for me and I’ve been exercising regularly so having lunch would be fine, wouldn’t it? She thought, trying to convince herself.

After a minute, Alaska angrily threw the muffin into the rubbish bin in the stall. She hated herself for doing it, but her head was giving her no other choice. She felt the twisted relief inside her stomach that she just couldn’t escape. She knew she have eaten something, but sometimes bot eating was just easier. Alaska heard the bell ring for the end of lunch and she hurried out of the bathroom towards her locker, knowing Sharon would be wondering what had happened to her at lunch but ignored the guilty feeling as she took out her books for the next period.

At the end of their last period, Willam and Courtney were walking hand in hand with Alaska to put away their books. Courtney was describing in detail how she planned to do her makeup for the big game that evening.

“My mum got me a new eyeshadow palette with the prettiest colours and I found this brilliant tutorial online and”

“Court, we both know you’ll end up with your same chapstick and mascara look tonight. You always do” Willam said, as Courtney made a face at her.

“But you’ll look as pretty as ever” she quickly added, squeezing her girlfriends hand.

“Nice save” Courtney smiled, kissing Willam on the cheek.

Alaska seemed to ignore this discussion, lost in thoughts about what she would tell Sharon about her lunchtime disappearing act.

Maybe I can make up a lie about some cheer meeting. Or that Willam and Courtney managed to distract me somehow, Alaska thought.

“Hey babe” Sharon said, pulling her from her thoughts and kissing her girlfriend softly,

“Hi” Alaska replied, turning to open her locker, not quote meeting Sharon’s eyes.

“Lasky?” Sharon asked questioningly.

“Mmm?” Alaska mumbled in response, still not looking at her girlfriend.

Sharon decided not to push things further until they were alone.

“So, did you two manage to get through the day without leaving class to fuck each other?” Sharon asked, turning her attention to the two blonde cheerleaders who were standing so close, the were practically on top of each other.

Willam just winked and Courtney turned a fierce shade of red,

“Gotcha” Sharon smirked, winking back at Willam.

Alaska finally closed her locker and turned to look at the other three girls.

“So we’ll see you later Lasky?” Courtney asked, “At six right, before the game?”

“Yep, six by the side door” Alaska said lightly, forcing a quick smile.

“See you later Lask” Willam said, as she pulled Courtney with her down the corridor.

Sharon simply took her girlfriends hand lightly and they walked out back to Sharon’s motorbike to drive home.

Once they walked in the door of their apartment Alaska disappeared silently into the bedroom. She lay down on her bed pulling the heavy blanket from the foot of the bed tightly around her cold limbs, squeezing her eyes shut.

Why do I do this to Sharon? When all she does is love me and help me? I’m an awful person. I let Alyssa’s comments give me an excuse as to why I’m not eating and I know how badly I need to eat. But I don’t deserve it. I shouldn’t be allowed to eat if this is the way I treat Sharon. Right? No. I don’t know. Why can’t I just have a normal brain? Be normal? Be sane?

Sharon sat down on the edge of the bed beside her. Neither of them said anything, Sharon just slowly moved closer to Alaska and started stroking her hair. Alaska still hadn’t opened her eyes. Her mind was racing through thoughts at a mile a minute.

Why do I always let myself feel so embarrassed and guilty and weak. Weak. I hate feeling weak. Like I need to be taken care of. Like I’m a burden. I am burden. To her Courtney and Willam, to Sharon. Sharon makes me feel safe and protected, and how do I make her feel? Annoyed probably. Frustrated. Fed up. How has she not grown tired of me?

“Lasky, you’re thinking so loud I can almost hear it” Sharon said, smiling softly, still stroking her hair.

Alaska said nothing. Her head was racing with dark thoughts. She was scared by the lack of control she had over her own head. The various situations her head was fabricating terrified her.

“Sharon, please go away” she muttered.

“What, doll?”

“Please go away”

“Alaska, what’s going on, are you hurt? Are you alright sweetheart?”

“Go away” Alaska said, louder and firmer this time, eventually opening her eyes. They were glazed over, almost empty. It scared Sharon.

Sharon removed her hand from Alaska’s hair as her girlfriend sat up.

“Alaska, I really don’t think you should be al…”

“Go away” Alaska repeated, a lot louder this time.

“Alaska, you’re scaring me”

“Fine, I’ll go!” Alaska shouted, getting off the bed and walking out the door. She ran from her apartment, hot tears rolling down her face.

How could I do this to her? I’m an awful person. I hurt my girlfriend. But it’s for the best. She’ll be much better off without me. I need to get away from her. Give her space.

“Hey Lasky, what’s up?

“Cour..Court…can you come get me… please?”

“Alaska, what’s wrong? Are you ok?”

“I…I’m alright..but please come”

“I’m leaving now, where are you?”

“I’m five blocks over from our… my apartment”

“I’ll be there in fifteen minutes max Lasky. Bill is with me, do you need her to stay on the line while I drive?”

“N..no. It’s ok. Just…come quick”

“Ok, Lask. You’ll be fine. We’re on our way ok?”

“Ok. Thanks Court”

Alaska felt the pain in her stomach getting worse. Usually she wouldn’t worry about it. She would eat, or tell Sharon and everything would be fine. But she was alone, and she hadn’t eaten since breakfast, and she was on the side of the road with tears running down her face. She sat down slowly on the curb, wishing silently that she had grabbed a jacket on her way out. With nothing but her short cheer uniform on she was freezing, not due to the weather, but rather the lack of nutrients in her system.

God, I am so pathetic. Sitting on the side of the road, crying, begging my friends to come and get me after making a series of stupid mistakes and shouting at my girlfriend. I must look horrible. Gross. Like Alyssa said, who would want me?

“Lasky? Are you hurt? What’s wrong honey?” Willam said worriedly, jumping out of the car and running up to Alaska.

She and Courtney sat down either side of Alaska, wrapping their arms around her as she let out a new wave of heavy sobs with her head buried in her hands.

“Shh Lasky, you’re ok. We’re here.” Courtney whispered, slowly rubbing circles on her back.

Alaska’s sobs quietened quickly, and she lifted her head to look at Courtney.

“Going to faint. Need food” Alaska said calmly, leaning her head on Willam’s shoulder and closed her eyes again.

Courtney’s eyes widened, but managed to stay calm. She had seen Alaska faint a few times before, but usually Sharon was there and she knew what to do.

“Ok Lask, you stay here with Willam, I’m going to go grab some food from the car ok?”

Courtney stood up and ran to her car, retrieving a snack bar and running back to Alaska.

WIllam was rubbing Alaska’s back and reassuring her quietly.

Courtney crouched down in front of Alaska and rested her hand on her knee.

“Will you have some of this honey?”

Alaska opened her eyes again and took the food from Courtney gratefully and nibbled on the edge of it. Her head was too tired to even fight her eating food.

“Thanks” she said softly.

“No problem, honey, no problem”

“Do you think you could get into the car if we helped you?” Willam asked after a few minutes.

“I think so”

Courtney and Willam each hooked an arm under Alaska’s and gently pulled her feet. Alaska leaned heavily on her friends, putting all her energy into keeping her eyes open until she got to the car. She walked shakily across the path towards Courtney’s car.

“Ok Lasky?” Courtney asked cautiously, as she opened the car door.

“Mmm” Alaska murmured sliding into the back seat of the car. Willam slid in beside the tall girl and she immediately lay her head down into Willam’s lap, closing her eyes, still shivering.

“Court, do you still have that blanket in the back?” Willam whispered, “She’s frozen”

Courtney nodded and grabbed the blanket from the boot of the car and wrapped it carefully around Alaska. She was seriously worried about her best friend, it had been a long time since she had seen her this bad, and she had never had to deal with one of Alaska’s episodes without Sharon present. But something told her that calling Sharon right now would not help the situation.

They were back at Courtney’s house within fifteen minutes, and luckily no one else was home to ask any questions. Between the two of them Courtney and WIllam managed to lift their taller friend from the car and on to the couch in the living room. The Australian ran upstairs to grab more blankets to cover Alaska, and after making sure she was warming up, she pulled Willam into the kitchen.

“Bill, I’m worried, what do we do? I mean, I think we should call Sharon. At least to let her know Lasky’s ok?”

“Yep. You call the dark witch, I’ll see if I can find something Alaska-friendly food to make. She obviously hasn’t eaten properly at all today” Willam answered, kissing Courtney’s cheek.

“Hi Sharon, I just thought you should know, I have Alaska”

“Shit, is she ok? Where are you?”

“She’s at my house with me and Willam. She called us from the side of the road near your apartment and when we got there, she nearly… had one of her episodes. She told me she was going to faint, but she ate something before she could collapse. She’s asleep now on my couch. She’s cold, but I’ve covered her in blankets. Sharon, what the hell happened?”

“I don’t really know Courtney. I’m worried, this is the second episode this week. That hasn’t happened in months. She was acting weird in school today, and I thought it was just that she was worried about the game tonight, but she never met me at lunch. And once we got home she went into bed and didn’t talk for a while until she started yelling at me to get out, before running out herself. This is my fault. I can’t let her go back to the way she was, Courtney.”

It surprised Courtney a little to hear Sharon talking to her so openly about herself and Alaska’s issues. It wasn’t a bad thing, it was just that no one ever really saw the soft side of Sharon Needles.

“Sharon, you can’t blame yourself. Seriously. But right now, Bill is making us food and Alaska’s sleeping, so do you want to come over in a bit to get her?”

“Yeah. Yes. Thanks Courtney, It’s… it’s five now, so I’ll be there in half an hour. I swear if she’s not ok I’ll…”

“She’ll be fine. Sharon, she’ll be fine.”

There was a comfortable silence between them, both lost in their own thoughts.

“Ok, so I’ll see you at sixish?” Courtney confirmed, breaking the silence.

“Yeah, thanks Courtney. I’ll see you soon”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Courtney wants Alaska to eat. Alaska's mind has other idea's.

“Hey Court, will you see if you can wake Alaska up, food’s done.”

“I love that you cook, Bill. You’re a regular old housewife” Courtney said, laughing at the dirty look she received in return, kissing her girlfriend’s cheek and slipping into the living room. She knelt down by the side of the couch and stroked Alaska’s cheek lightly.

“Heya Lasky, wanna get up and have something to eat?”

Alaska opened her eyes and squeezed them shut tightly when she was met with a bright light that hurt her head like hell.

“What’s wrong? Alaska, are you ok?” Courtney asked, panicked.

“I’m ok. It’s just my head hurts. Do you have any aspirin?”

“Of course, but do you think you could come out to the kitchen and have something to eat?”

“I… I don’t think so. I don’t think I should eat anything just yet. I’m not feeling great” Alaska said, avoiding Courtney’s eyes, hoping she wouldn’t be able to tell she was lying through her teeth. Her head was fighting her again. Calling her weak, telling her she needed to punish herself. She knew she shouldn’t be allowed eat.

“Honey, what’s going on?” Courtney asked, concerned.

“Nothing. I’m just not feeling great Courtney.”

“Alaska, please don’t lie to me”

“Courtney, why aren’t you listening to me? I’m just not feeling good!” Alaska raised her voice. She could feel her head taking over her actions and making her lash out at Courtney just like she did to Sharon.

“Woah, Alaska, calm down. What’s going on?” Willam asked, running into the room.

“Alaska. I know you. You’re feeling sick because you haven’t eaten, and you know it. Please come out and just have something small to eat. Please?”

Alaska could feel panic rising in her chest. She felt trapped. The voices in her head were running wild, filling her mind with horrible thoughts for the second time that day.

“Leave me alone! Stop trying to control me!” Alaska shouted, her body beginning to shake. She was panicking, her head hurt, she was hungry, and her mind was racing with awful things.

“Alaska, calm down and come eat something” Courtney pleaded with her, doing her best to remain calm. Willam had no such plan.

“Alaska, you’re being ridiculous, we’re trying to help you!” Willam replied, raising her tone to match Alaska’s.

Courtney grabbed her girlfriends hand in an effort to keep her quiet. At this point Alaska was visibly panicked and shaking. She felt like her body was simultaneously running far too fast while also on the verge of shutting down.

“Why won’t you listen to me? I can take care of myself. I don’t need you to tell me what to eat. Or where to go, or baby me. All you’re doing is pitying me and making me seem weak and I’m fine. I don’t need you. I.. I hate..” Alaska screamed, unable to breath at all at this point. She sat curled up in a ball on the couch, tucking her knees into her chest and covering her face with her hands trying to relax her breathing. She felt too over-panicked to control her body.

Courtney and Willam were absolutely terrified. Neither of them had ever seen Alaska this bad, and they had no idea how to handle the situation. That moment, Willam’s phone rang in her hand. Seeing the caller I.D., she answered the phone immediately.

“Hey Willam, Courtney wasn’t answering her phone and I didn’t want to ring the bell and wake…”

“Sharon, where are you?” Willam interrupted.

“At the door”

“Oh thank God”

Willam ran to the door and grabbed Sharon, dragging her into the living room. Courtney was kneeling beside Alaska, attempting to get the taller girl to control her breathing enough to talk to her.

Seeing Alaska shaking, Sharon immediately jumped into action. She walked quickly over to Alaska as Courtney moved out of the way, allowing Sharon to crouch down in front of her girlfriend.

“Alaska, it’s me. I’m here. You’re ok”

“Sh..Shar..I’m… scared…I’m going to…collapse”

“Ok doll. Alright, you’re ok”

Sharon turned to Courtney who had silent tears sliding down her cheeks while Willam had her arms wrapped around her.

“Willam, I need you to get me water. Lots of it. And aspirin. We’ll worry about food in a minute” Willam nodded, giving Courtney a light squeeze and running into the kitchen.

“Courtney, I need you to get me a hot water bottle. She’ll be ok, she’s just dehydrated and needs food and warmth”

Courtney nodded and hurried upstairs.

Sharon turned back to Alaska, admittedly feeling scared for Alaska’s immediate health for the first time in a good few months. The last time she had seen her this bad, she had collapsed and ended up in hospital. The doctors had explained what had happened and how to deal with it if it ever happened again at home, but until now she had never had to put that knowledge into practice.

She sat up onto the sofa beside Alaska, who was still curled up and shaking uncontrollably.

“Alaska, I need you to listen to me doll ok? Please?”

Alaska looked up and nodded her head gently and leaned in towards Sharon, her body craving any warmth it could get. Sharon grabbed the bunch of blankets from the bottom of the couch and wrapped them around Alaska as she lay her head in Sharon’s lap.

“Alaska, I need you to stay awake for me and to answer my questions. Can you do that, baby?”

“O..ok” Alaska said through her shivering.

“Are you in any pain?”

“Head”

“Anywhere else?” Sharon said, continuing to stroke Alaska’s hair.

“Stomach”

“Hunger pains?”

“Y..yes”

“Have you eaten anything since breakfast other than a bit of the snack bar Courtney gave you?”

Alaska’s head was screaming at her to lie. To make Sharon believe she had eaten so she wouldn’t have to eat now. She couldn’t tell her the truth, but she wouldn’t lie. She felt a wave of silent sobs wracking through her tired, hungry body.

Sharon took this reaction as a confirmation of what she was afraid of. It was almost six and Alaska had only eaten some fruit and a piece of toast that day.

“Shhh baby. You’re ok. Don’t worry, we’ll work through this. Shh you’re ok”

Sharon stroked her girlfriend’s hair as she wrapped her tighter in her arms. Willam slowly came back into the room, handing the dark-clothed girl a large class of water and two aspirin.

Thank you, Sharon mouthed.

“Lasky, sweetheart, you’re de-hydrated and I need you to drink something. Willam brought aspirin for your head too”

Alaska sat up slowly, tears still silently running down her pale cheeks. It broke Sharon’s heart to see her girlfriend in so much pain. Alaska curled her legs up into her body and leaned in to Sharon’s chest. Sharon gave Alaska the aspirin which she took and sipped slowly on the water.

Courtney came back into the room carrying a hot water bottle and another blanket just in case. She had stopped crying and gave Alaska a small smile. Alaska didn’t return the gesture, still unable to focus on anything other than Sharon’s warm body and the voices in her head.

Sharon caught Courtney’s eye from where she stood by the door with Willam. Food she mouthed, and Courtney nodded, pulling Willam into the kitchen with her.

“Alaska, I know you don’t want to, but I really need you to eat something for me”

Alaska’s still shivering body turned to worriedly look into her girlfriends’ eyes.

“No. Please no.”

“Alaska, honey, I need you to hear me. If you don’t eat something now, you’ll end up collapsing and back in hospital like last time, and I know that’s not what you want love.”

“No. I can’t. I won’t”

“Lasky, please baby, I’ll help you. You have to eat, now.”

“No. I can’t. I have the game in a few hours. I have to go.”

“Sweetheart, you’re not seeing clearly. The game is not a priority now. You need to eat”

Alaska, you need to get out. Leave. They’ll make you eat food and you don’t deserve it. You haven’t earned food. And remember what Alyssa and Gia told you, who would want you if you’re fat? So get out. Now. Get away from these people.

Alaska’s breathing sped up, her shaking getting stronger.

“No. No. No!” she yelled, trying to pull herself away from Sharon.

“Alaska, Alaska, calm down. Baby breath, you’ll make yourself sick, Alaska please”

Alaska’s body went limp, and her breathing stopped for a moment before she shut her eyes.

“Alaska, Alaska, baby?” Sharon yelled, shaking her girlfriend lightly.

“Willam, call an ambulance!” Sharon shouted towards the kitchen.

“Sharon, what… oh my god!” Courtney shrieked as she saw her best friends’ limp body in her girlfriends’ arms.

“Courtney, it’s ok. This has happened before. She’ll be ok. I just need to get her to hospital” Sharon said, trying to reassure not only Courtney, but herself.

“They’ll be here in two minutes” Willam announced, walking straight over to her sobbing girlfriend and wrapping her in her arms.

“You’re ok Lasky, you’ll be fine” Sharon whispered, running her fingers softly to her hair as she heard the distant sound of sirens coming from the open front door where the other two girls stood waiting for the paramedics.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alaska and Sharon move into hospital for a night.

An hour later, Sharon was sitting in a cramped hospital room with her head in her hands. Alaska was beside her in the bed, hooked up to a heart monitor and an IV line that was pumping nutrients back into her frail body. Sharon could hardly bring herself to look at her beautiful girlfriend, whose face looked paler than the sheets on the bed with sunken dark rings around her eyes.

When they had arrived in the hospital, the doctors had given Sharon the same spiel about Alaska’s condition as the last time. She was obviously under nourished, dehydrated and exhausted. However, they did tell her that provided that Alaska agreed to adhering to a strict meal plan, she could go home tomorrow morning. They had also told Sharon that it may be an hour or two before Alaska would wake up, due to the strong pain killers they had given her.

Willam and Courtney had been sitting in the hospital waiting room the entire time, Courtney curled up in her girlfriend’s arms. Neither of them had ever seen Alaska break down the way she had that evening. 

“Courtney and Willam?” a nurse asked quietly, coming into the room.

“We’re here” Willam answered, nudging Courtney lightly. 

They both stood up, holding each other’s hands, still wearing their cheer uniforms in preparation of the big game that they had completely forgotten about.

“Alaska isn’t awake yet, but Sharon thought you might still like to see her” the nurse said kindly.

“We would. Thank you” Courtney replied. 

“You’re welcome. If you take the elevator to the second floor she’s in the third room on the left, room 203”

They smiled gratefully and headed towards the elevator.

 

“Sharon?” Courtney asked quietly through the slightly open door of room 203.

“Hi Court, come on in” Sharon said from where she was still sitting beside Alaska’s bed, smiling tiredly.   
Both Willam and Courtney looked visibly shocked when they saw Alaska wrapped in blue blankets on the bed. She looked so small and pale, with dark circles in place of her usually bright eyes. Courtney hastily wiped tears from her cheeks, angry at herself for being so upset when she felt that Sharon had much more reason to be. 

“How are you Sharon?” Willam asked walking over to the foot of the bed.

“I’m ok. Tired, but I’m fine. Are you alright?” Sharon asked, looking more drained than either of the girls had ever seen her. She had lost the intimidating glint in her eyes that she usually had when talking to anyone that wasn’t Alaska. Alaska hadn’t found her intimidating for a very long time. 

“We’re fine. What did they say about Lasky? Will she be ok? Does she have to stay here long? Is it anything really serious?” Courtney babbled, unable to stop the endless questions running through her mind. 

“She will be ok. She can go home tomorrow I think, and she’s just de-hydrated. And hasn’t eaten enough obviously”

“Does…does this happen... often?” Willam asked cautiously.

“Well she faints often enough for it to not be normal, but I know you know that. Being taken to hospital has only happened once before. This time wasn’t like the last time though…” Sharon said, drifting off into her own thoughts.

“How so?” Willam asked, glad that Sharon was actually talking to them properly for once. Neither Alaska nor her girlfriend were particularly good at opening up to anyone else.

“Well….” Sharon began, unsure of how much information she should divulge without Alaska’s permission. Fuck it, she thought, they deserve to know the truth. They love Lasky.

“Well last time, she collapsed simply because she hadn’t eaten food in over twenty-four hours. This time, although she hadn’t eaten enough, she had eaten food this morning. That usually doesn’t cause her to get this bad. Something happened to her. She’s stressed, or anxious, or both. I’m not sure, just something was messing with her head more than usual that caused her to get so panicked. I just don’t know what.”

Both blonde cheerleaders stayed quiet for a few moments, processing the new information. Neither of them really knew what to say.

“Don’t you guys have a game in half an hour?” Sharon broke the silence, checking the time on her phone.

“What?” Courtney asked, lost in her own thoughts.

“The game?” Sharon repeated, raising her eyebrows.

“Oh shit” Willam cursed quietly.

“We don’t have to go. We’ll stay here with you” Courtney said firmly.

“No, you should go. Alaska will be out cold for at least another hour or two and I know you’ll all be given hell by the head bitch if three blonde cheerleaders are missing. I’ll text you if she wakes up, and you can always come back tonight. You should go though, get a break.”

“Are you sure?” Courtney asked biting her bottom lip guiltily.

“Yes” Sharon said, smiling tiredly once again, trying to convince the other two girls that they should go. The truth was, she was on the verge of breaking herself, and wanted to be alone during that eventuality.

“Ok, we’ll be back as soon as the game is over. Earlier if you need us” Courtney said, taking Sharon’s hand and squeezing it tightly.

“Ok. And thank you for picking her up earlier, I really don’t know what’s wrong. We’ll figure it out though” Sharon said, more to herself than to the other people in the room.

“Later Needles” Willam said, smiling quickly at Sharon and then taking her girlfriends hand and exiting the room quietly.

As soon as the door shut, Sharon allowed herself to finally break down. She was feeling tired, and drained, and scared and angry and guilty, and it was all too much. Hot, angry tears continued to roll down her cheeks mixing with the dark eyeliner under her eyes and falling into her lap.   
How could I let it get to this point again? I can’t lose her. I can’t let her kill herself slowly.

“Sharon, I’m so sorry”

Sharon lifted her head after quickly wiping the tears from her eyes, not wanting Alaska to see her upset. She chose to ignore her girlfriends’ ridiculous apology.

“Hi baby, how are you feeling?”

“Sharon, I think you should go.” Alaska muttered quietly, staring at her lap. 

“What? Why Lasky? Do you need to get someone for you?” Sharon said, standing up anxiously.

“No, Sharon. I’m ok. But you need to leave. I’m ruining your life. I can’t keep doing this to you. You’ll grow to hate me, if you don’t already. And I know you’ll argue with me, because you’re too good a person. But I need you to leave. I couldn’t live knowing you hate me” Alaska said firmly, still not meeting Sharon’s eyes, afraid it might break her heart into even smaller pieces.

“Alaska? Alaska? Look at me. Please” Sharon said pleadingly.

Alaska refused to look at her, her eyes staying glued to her wire filled wrists in her lap.

Sharon reached forward and gently put her fingers under her girlfriend’s chin and lifted it up to finally meet her gaze.

“Alaska, from the day I first talked to you, I knew I loved you. I don’t think there is anything you could ever do or say to change that. I do not hate you, and I never could. You make my life liveable, you gave me a reason to live Alaska. You saved my life. Right now, you’re going through something horrible, and if I could, I would take away your pain in a heartbeat. But I can’t, which means that I will be by your side while we fight this together. I love you. God, Alaska, I love you so much. Please don’t shut me out.”

Alaska had silent tears rolling down her face. Sharon leaned forward and met her girlfriend with a kiss. She could taste the salty drops on Alaska’s soft lips. After a few seconds they pulled apart. Alaska gave her a small smile, but Sharon could see the pain in her eyes.

“Babe, are you in pain?”

“Yeah. A little.”

“Where?” 

“My head, it’s pounding a little”

“I’ll call a nurse ok sweetheart?”

Alaska nodded very lightly, trying to keep her head steady enough so as not to add to the throbbing pain in her forehead.

Sharon returned a minute or two later with the sweet nurse that brought Courtney and Willam in earlier.

“Hi Alaska, glad to see you’re awake. How are you feeling?” she asked kindly.

“My head. Why is it pounding so hard?”

“My best guess would be de-hydration. Don’t worry, that will ease up once the fluids have a bit more time to get around your body. In the meantime, I can give you some more painkillers. Sound ok?”

“Perfect. Thank you…?”

“Oh, I’m sorry! I’m Ivy”

“Thank you, Ivy” Sharon said, smiling gratefully.

“By the way Alaska, I’m afraid the doctor is going to come by later to ask you questions about what happened. If you’re not ready to talk, that’s ok, but the sooner we know what went wrong, the sooner we can get you out of here.” She smiled, putting a dose of painkillers into Alaska’s IV line.

Sharon watched Alaska immediately go tense at the idea of having to talk to other people about her health. Most days it was hard for her to even talk to Sharon about it, let alone some doctor she doesn’t know.

Alaska didn’t answer Ivy, lost once again in her own thoughts.

“Thanks for letting us know, Ivy” Sharon answered, on her girlfriend’s behalf.

Ivy took Alaska’s silence as a hint and let herself quietly out of the room.

“Alaska, baby, it might be easier for you to talk to the doctor later if I can help you. Could you maybe try explaining what happened to me first?”

“I’m so embarrassed” Alaska whimpered, eyes glued once again to her lap.

“Lasky, you have no reason to be embarrassed in front of me, you know that, don’t you?” 

Alaska stayed silent. Suddenly something clicked inside Sharon’s brain. She knew that after Alaska fainted, she felt extremely vulnerable. She knew she had to follow the same guidelines as they usually did when Alaska fainted.

“Would it help if I held you babe?”

Slowly, Alaska nodded and moved over slightly in the bed to make space for her girlfriend. Sharon climbed onto the bed carefully, trying to move it as little as possible. The taller girl immediately leaned into Sharon’s side, resting her head on her chest. Sharon reached over to the pile of extra blankets on the bedside locker and pulled an extra one around the two of them, wrapping her girlfriend into a tight hug.

Sharon said nothing, she just gently stroked her girlfriend’s long hair, knowing that she would talk when she was ready.

“I wish I didn’t have to live like this” Alaska said quietly. 

“I know sweetheart” Sharon said soothingly.

“It was in school” Alaska began, “I was coming to meet you at lunch and I ran into Alyssa and some of the other cheerleaders. I had my food with me, the muffin Courtney made me. She told me if I ate it, I’d get fat, and you wouldn’t want me”

Sharon bit her tongue to stop herself from swearing.

“I tried to not listen to her, but she got into my head. And I was weak, and I listened. I threw my food away, and I let the negative thoughts run wild. I’m really sorry Sharon. It’s all my fault. I hate that I do this to you” 

“Sweetheart, this isn’t your fault. Mental illnesses are never a choice. And bitchy cheerleaders telling you awful lies to hurt you, that’s verbal abuse, and not something that you can take any blame at all for. I’ll deal with them. Doll, we’ll work together to get you healthy, on the promise that you have to try and not blame yourself” Sharon said, kissing the top of her girlfriend’s head.

“I’ll try. I promise. I love you” Alaska mumbled, yawning.

“You’re tired baby, sleep. I’ll be right here”

Alaska curled in closer to Sharon and let her eyes close almost immediately. Not long after, Sharon let her own eyes close, falling asleep with her girlfriend wrapped tightly in her arms.

Ivy walked in an hour later to check on Alaska’s pain levels, only to find her peacefully sleeping Sharon’s arms, looking calmer then she’d been in a very long time.

 

“Honey, I’m home!” Courtney announced, sticking her head around the door of the hospital room, bouncing sunnily in to see her best friend and her dark clothed girlfriend, still curled up in bed. Sharon was half awake on her phone, while Alaska was still soundly sleeping. 

“And I have coffee!” Willam said, following her girlfriend into the room.

“Oh, thank Satan” Sharon said quietly, gratefully taking a large coffee from Willam.

“How is she?” Courtney asked, lowering her voice considerably.

“She’s ok, I think. We talked, but we still haven’t had a chance to meet with the doctor. I have a couple of cheerleaders I need to kill on Monday though”

Willam and Courtney exchanged a worried glance, unsure of what they should or shouldn’t tell Sharon about what happened at last nights’ game.

Before Sharon could call them out, Alaska jolted awake and sat up quickly, gasping.

“Hey doll, you’re ok. I’m here.” Sharon said quietly, rubbing her girlfriends back.

As per usual, Alaska relaxed into her girlfriend’s arms, calming down quickly from whatever it was that had woken her so suddenly. Looking around the room, she saw Courtney perched on top of Willam’s knee in the small armchair near the door.

“Morning Alaska, glad you could join us” Willam said, grinning cheekily through her red lipstick.

“Glad I could be here” Alaska retorted.

Courtney laughed, relieved that her best friend was obviously in a much better state of mind that she was the day before.

“We brought you some of that tea stuff from Starbucks that you like” Courtney told her, walking over to the side of the bed with the warm drink in hand. “Oh, and a change of clothes so that you don’t have to go home in your cheer uniform!”

“Thanks Court” Alaska said, taking the tea and kissing Courtney softly on the cheek.

“How are you feeling doll?” Sharon asked

“Better. Less head pounding” Alaska answered, sipping her tea.

“Good.” Sharon smiled, kissing her girlfriend’s forehead.

“Gross.” Willam remarked from her armchair in the corner.

“Fuck off” Sharon threw back, feigning anger,

Alaska and Courtney just laughed at the two of them. They were interrupted by a loud knock on the door. A short woman with dark hair pulled back in a sharp bun stood there, with Ivy by her side.

“Hi Alaska, is it ok if we come in?” Ivy asked cheerfully.

“Ok” Alaska said, immediately going quiet at the sight of the authoritative doctor that accompanied the sweet nurse.

“Hello Alaska, I’m Doctor Visage, but please call me Michelle. I’m here to ask you a couple of questions, and check up on a few things if that’s ok with you?”  
Alaska looked at Sharon for an answer. 

“We should go. We’ll see you later Lasky, ok?” Courtney said, squeezing Alaska’s hand tightly and grabbing her purse.

“Love you, Lask” Willam said, following her blonde girlfriend out the door.

“So Alaska, is it ok if we ask you a few questions about what happened yesterday? If you’re not comfortable, we can wait until later.” Ivy said kindly, noting Alaska’s tense body language.

“No. It’s ok” the tall girl said quietly. 

Sharon moved to get out of the bed to give the doctor space if she wanted to check up on her girlfriend’s physical health. 

“Please stay” Alaska pleaded, grabbing her girlfriend’s wrist.

“Ok. I’m here” Sharon said, sitting back down beside Alaska.

“Feel free to stop me if you get uncomfortable Alaska, but as an incentive, the more answers I get now, the sooner I can let you ok. Sound good?” Michelle asked.  
Alaska nodded.

“Ok. How long have you had an eating disorder for?” Ms. Visage asked, not one to beat around the bush.

“For almost… a year”

“Do you know what might have triggered it? Any specific event or incident?”

“My mother. She died.”

“I’m sorry to hear that” Michelle said, her maternal instinct kicking in towards the young girl, who closed her eyes for a moment gathering her emotions.

“Are you ok doll?” Sharon whispered.

Alaska squeezed her girlfriend’s hand and held it tighter in response. Michelle took this as a sign to continue with her questions.

“Can you tell me what your health has been like over the last year? I understand it’s hard, but the more information I can get, the better I can help you”

Alaska took a deep breath and began to explain the last few months of her recovery to the doctor, how she had been severely underweight when she met Sharon and had ended up in hospital. Then how they had worked on her recovery for months, painstakingly force feeding herself meals, fighting the anxiety that had come along with the eating disorder. She also explained that on the occasional bad days, she sometimes fainted, but it generally didn’t get anywhere near as bad as it had last night.

This all sounded like regular recovery behaviour to Michelle, who had a lot of experience in dealing with young people with mental illnesses.

“Do you know why you ended up collapsing again today Alaska? After spending such a long time working on recovery?”

“I… it was nothing. I stupidly didn’t make myself eat lunch, which led to me being de-hydrated and hungry. I also didn’t sleep much because I was supposed to have a… a game last night.” 

The realisation suddenly hit her that she had missed one of the biggest games of the season.

Alyssa and Gia are going to skin me alive. I let them get to me. I let them control me. I used their stupid insults as an excuse to skip meals. I let myself relapse. God, I swore I would never let myself relapse. 

“Alaska? Alaska, are you with me here?” Michelle asked, as Sharon gently rubbed her girlfriend’s arm. 

“Yeah. Sorry, I’m tired”

“I don’t doubt that you are, but whatever just went on in your head isn’t because you are tired, honey. What’s going on?”  
Alaska turned to look at Sharon. 

“I’m so, so sorry Sharon. I promised you I’d never do this to you. I swore I wouldn’t put you through that again”

“Put me through what love? Alaska, what are you talking about?”

“I relapsed. I failed. I let you down. I’m so, so sorry.”

Doctor Visage didn’t dare interrupt the conversation between the two, figuring this was the easiest way to gather information on Alaska’s eating disorder.

“Alaska, baby, listen to me” Sharon pleaded, holding her girlfriend’s face in her hands, “You have not let me down, you have not failed me. You are the strongest person I know. Relapsing isn’t failing, it’s just a bump in the road. You are so strong sweetheart, you’ll recover from this too. I promise you, you will get better. This is not permanent. You will always be ok”

Ivy teared up from where you stood in the corner. She had never seen any of the hospitals young patients or their families exhibit such love and compassion for one another. She understood that both girls must have been through a lot of shit to be able to understand and comfort each other so well.

“Your girlfriend is right Alaska, relapsing isn’t failure, it’s merely broken glass along the road, so to speak. I would imagine what’s best for you right now is to be and home and I think we can probably let you go. On the condition that you eat a meal before you leave. Do you have any questions?”

“Could I have died?” Alaska asked blankly.

“Excuse me?”

“Could I have killed myself last night?”

“I… if you had been alone overnight, there is a chance that there could have been serious long-term consequences. But you weren’t. You’re safe, and you will be healthy.”

“Ok” Alaska replied, processing the idea that she could have done serious long-term damage to herself.

“Thank you so much Michelle” Sharon said gratefully.

“Just doing my job.” Michelle smiled, before whispering something to Ivy and going into the next room.

“Em, Alaska, do you have any idea what you might like to eat?” Ivy asked cautiously.

Alaska shook her head.

“Soup” Sharon answered, “Alaska likes soup” 

“Ok,” Ivy said slowly, “But the soup here is awful. There’s a really nice veggie place across the street that has organic soup and fresh baked bread, if you wanted to go there?” she asked Sharon.

“Perfect, thanks Ivy, for everything” 

“No problem” Ivy said smiling, “I’ll be back later before you leave”

 

Sharon ran across the road to the small café, giving the nurses time to remove all of the wires and machines and monitors from her girlfriend, while simultaneously trying to think of a way to distract Alaska enough to allow her to eat a meal. 

Alaska was sitting back up on her bed, still feeling rather cold even though she had a mountain of blankets wrapped around her. She was trying her best to not think about the next task she would have to complete. 

“Boo!” Sharon said, jumping into the room.

“You’re an idiot!” Alaska said, laughing.

Sharon stuck out her tongue in response. 

“And people say you’re supposed to be scary or something. Can’t say I see it” her girlfriend mocked.

“Who says I’m scary? I prefer the term freaky goth dyke” Sharon threw back at her.

Alaska laughed loudly and moved herself and the blanket mountain over in the bed, allowing her girlfriends to slide back in beside her.

“So... you got soup?”

“Yep. Chicken noodle or tomato?”

“I guess tomato?”

“Excellent choice m’dear” Sharon said, presenting her girlfriend with warm soup and a slice of bread with a flourish.

Alaska stared at the food for a moment, before determinedly deciding that she would finish this meal regardless of what her head told her. And she did.

They both sat beside each other, chatting and laughing and eating. Although Alaska would space out for a moment every now and then, but other than that, to an outsider they would have looked like a normal, happy couple without a care in the world. Minus the fact that they were sitting on a hospital bed. 

Ivy came in as they were finishing, mid-debate about whether they should live up in the mountains or in a valley by a lake next year. 

“Hi you two! Ready to go home?” 

“Actually, we were thinking of moving in here for a while” Alaska responded, grinning cheekily.

Ivy laughed, extremely happy to see the teenage girl with a bit of colour in her cheeks and less sunken eyes.

Ivy handed Alaska a couple of papers that she had to sign and gave her the medication and pain killers she would have to take over the next couple of days, while Sharon gathered up the few things they had in the room, including Alaska’s discarded cheer uniform. 

“Thank you for everything Ivy, you’ve been so lovely”

“No problem, and look after yourselves. Both of you” Ivy said kindly.

As they left the hospital hand in hand, neither Alaska nor Sharon would admit to one another the internalised fear they had about the next few days, when Alaska would have to re-start her recovery. The beginning was always the hardest.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Willam and Courtney come to visit Sharon.

The following morning, Alaska was looking a bit better and had successfully eaten dinner the night before. She had also slept most of the night. The same could not be said for Sharon, who had stayed in bed with Alaska until she was sure her girlfriend was asleep and then went back out into the living room to spend hours researching different tips and guidelines on helping someone who relapses with an eating disorder. She had fallen asleep on the couch somewhere around three in the morning and was still asleep when Alaska moped out to the living room wrapped in a blanket. Her head was still full of scary thoughts and she felt almost as vulnerable as she had in Courtney’s house two days ago.

Alaska tried to make her way to the kitchen as quietly as possible to make herself a cup of coffee, but unfortunately, she didn’t account for the large train of blanket dragging behind her that caught on small wooden stool they used for holding candles. The candles all went crashing to the ground as the stool rolled onto its side.

“Shit! Shit! Shit!” Alaska cursed loudly.

Sharon jumped up from the couch, worried Alaska had hurt herself. Upon realizing that the only thing that was injured was a candle, she chuckled and put the stool back upright.

Alaska didn’t find the situation quite as amusing, fed up with herself that she couldn’t even walk to the kitchen without making a mistake.

“I’m sorry Sharon” Alaska said sadly, “I can’t do anything right” she muttered under her breath hoping her girlfriend wouldn’t hear. She did.

“Alaska, please don’t. It’s ok, I’d rather be up to have breakfast with you anyway” Sharon said, opening her arms invitingly.

Alaska gratefully accepted the hug, standing for a moment just enjoying the still calmness that came with being wrapped in her girlfriend’s arms.

Sharon went to the kitchen to make food, assuring Alaska that she was fine to handle breakfast alone and that she should go have a shower while she was making the fruit salad with eggs and toast. Healthy enough that Alaska would eat it, but enough to include carbs, protein and nutrients.

After Alaska had showered and put on some comfy leggings and one of Sharon’s old ripped hoodies, she was able to eat breakfast somewhat more comfortably than she had the previous day in hospital. After a half hour of slow progress though, she had only eaten half of her meal.

“Babe, how’s your head?” Sharon asked, noting the low food intake.

“Ok…..No, it’s bad. But I’m eating. It’s just slow” Alaska answered determinedly.

“Take your time, doll” Sharon smiled, squeezing her girlfriends hand. She then continued to talk about a new piece of art she wanted to work on. Sure enough, within the hour, Alaska had eaten most of her food, but ended up taking mild painkillers for her head. They were both still quite tired. “Hey Shar?” Alaska asked, carrying plates over to the sink.

“Yes babe?”

“Can we watch some Golden Girls?”

“Whatever you want Lasky”. Sharon was glad her girlfriend wanted to relax and leave her schoolwork for a bit. During breakfast she had mentioned an essay due for Wednesday that she needed to work on. Thankfully she seemed to have forgotten that notion, for now at least.

Alaska made a cup of coffee for Sharon and a mint tea for herself, setting them down on the table in the living room, while her girlfriend put on one of the many Golden Girls box-sets Alaska owned and piled blankets onto the couch. Curling up in their usual position, Sharon’s hand immediately moved to stroke her girlfriend’s hair. It was another one of those nearly perfect moments that made Alaska want to keep fighting and Sharon want to keep living.

Many hours later, Sharon woke up to a much quieter room then she had earlier that morning. It took her about thirty seconds to realise why the room was so quiet. No Alaska.

“Lasky?” she called, hundreds of anxiety-inducing scenarios running through her head. She checked the bedroom and the bathroom, returning quickly to the kitchen.

A loud knock on the door pulled her from her thoughts. She opened the door, hoping to see Alaska standing there after a short walk. Instead she was met with two other blonde girls.

“Oh. Hi” Sharon said, looking behind them hoping to see a third, taller girl, but she had no such luck.

“Hi Needles, is Alaska asleep?” Willam asked, stepping inside.

“We need to talk to you” Courtney added seriously.

“I was hoping she was with you. I just woke up and she’s not here.” Sharon said, becoming increasingly more worried.

“What?” Courtney said, scared.

“Calm down.” Willam said dryly. “Look, here” she said, handing Sharon a note that was sitting on the kitchen table.

Shar,

Gone for a short walk to clear my head.

Be back soon.

Love you!

xx

“Thanks” Sharon said to Willam, letting out a breath she didn’t know she was holding.

“So, can we talk?” Courtney asked, still clearly worried about whatever it was she had to say.

“Yeah, sure, but I should probably go find Alaska first. Do you want to wait here? There’s coffee and stuff…” Sharon said.

“No, we can’t tell Alaska” Courtney rushed to interrupt.

“What, why?”

“Also, maybe you should let her clear her head. She probably needs to. And I think she’s too in love with you to do any serious damage to herself” Willam said reassuringly. Despite her usually biting sense of humour and I don’t give a fuck attitude, Willam was intelligent and helpful when she needed to be.

“Yeah. Ok. Thanks. Do you want some coffee?” Sharon asked again.

“We need to talk to you, Sharon, it’s important”, Courtney repeated, becoming impatient.

Willam grabbed her hand and squeezed it, effectively calming her down.

“Sorry Courtney, I’m listening. We can sit down.” Sharon said, sitting down at the kitchen table. Both of the other girls sat down opposite her.

“It’s about Alyssa” Courtney began.

“Fuck. I still haven’t decided what to do about her. I think burning her alive would be too painless.”

Willam laughed, but Courtney just glared at the two of them, trying to understand why Sharon couldn’t understand how important this was.

“She’s going to hurt Alaska.” Courtney almost yelled.

“She’s what?” Sharon said, alarmed, finally focusing all her attention on what Courtney had to say.

“Well, when we were at the game yesterday, we were getting ready to go out on the field, and Alyssa came to me and Bill, asking where Alaska was. We told her that she was really sick, obviously not giving details.” Courtney assured.

“Devil bitch was not happy, and neither were her mini devil crony bitches. They were saying that they were going to kick her off the team. We tried to argue with them, but we were called to go out on the pitch.” Willam continued.

“When we came back to the changing rooms after the game, we were last to get into the showers, so we were two of the last to leave. We overheard Alyssa and Gia talking about hurting someone. A tall bitch that had it coming. It sounded bad Sharon. They said… they said…”

“They said what, Courtney?”

“I…”

“They said that if the anorexic bitch hadn’t killed herself by Monday, that they knew exactly how to help her along the way.” Willam said, point blank, never one to sugar coat an issue.

“Fuck. Fuck, fuck!” Sharon yelled, “I swear to God, I will kill them. The low-life manipulative bitchy fucking cunts” Sharon swore, feeling more anger than she had ever felt towards anyone in her life.

It was exactly this moment that the three girls heard the key turn in the door. Alaska slipped in quietly, only to be met with the sight of her girlfriend and best friends sitting at her kitchen table. Sharon looked angry, and Alaska immediately felt bad, figuring she had worried her girlfriend by disappearing. She ran over to her quickly.

“I’m so sorry, Shar, I didn’t mean to make you angry, I just thought it would be nice to go for a walk. I didn’t think I was gone that long, I had to come back because it was so cold. I’m so sorry.”

“Hey babe, baby, calm down. I’m not angry. You’re fine” Sharon said pulling her shivering girlfriend into her lap, kissing her temple. She had softened her facial expression, adamant she wouldn’t let Alaska know why she had looked so angry.

“Are you sure?” she asked, curling her limbs in around her and cuddling into her girlfriend.

“Absolutely” Sharon said, kissing her temple again.

This seemed to keep Alaska happy enough.

“So, what are you two doing here?” she asked, smiling at Willam and Courtney.

“We wanted to stop in and say hi!” Courtney replied, happy to see her best friend so content being back at home. “Oh, and I found some new fruity tea when I was shopping this morning and I got it for you to try!” she added cheerfully, pulling a box from her large purse.

“Thanks Court!” Alaska said, “I’ll make some. I’m still frozen. It’s really cold out there”

Courtney’s smile fell a bit at this statement. It reminded her that Alaska was still very much unhealthy and unwell. It was actually a particularly warm day. Fortunately, Alaska still hadn’t noticed Courtney’s sad eyes, Willam’s angry eyes, and Sharon’s eyes filled with a mixture of concern, fear and anger.

“Does anyone else want tea or coffee?” Alaska said, masking the fact that she knew she would have to eat something with her tea. Sharon knew this too, but wasn’t saying anything yet.

“I’ll have more coffee please, doll” Sharon said, knowing it would be easier for her girlfriend to eat if she had company doing so.

“Me too, Lask” Willam said.

“I’ll help you with the tea, Lasky” Courtney offered, walking over and filling the kettle with water.

Alaska and Sharon’s house had always been one of Courtney’s favourite places. It was by no means big, but it had enough space to be comfortable, it was cosy, and it had so many little touches of personality. The kettle with the ghosts on it, the bright blankets everywhere, no doubt added by Alaska and pictures of the two girls scattered around every room.

Courtney and Alaska fell easily into conversation about the type of cat Alaska wanted to get for Sharon for Christmas from the local rescue center. However, at the kitchen table Willam and Sharon talked quietly about how they could go about dealing with Alyssa and protecting Alaska.

“Alaska, can we go sit in the living room. It’s so cosy.” Courtney whined.

“You want me to lift my weary bones?” Willam groaned.

“I’ll be back in a minute, I’m just going outside.” Sharon said, grabbing a pack of cigarettes from her jacket and walking out the door. Willam followed her.

Alaska quietly took note. She knew her girlfriend was stressed. Stress and anxiety was why she picked up her bad habit of smoking in the first place. She reminded herself to check in with Sharon later.

Alaska stood staring at the packet of cookies in one of the presses for a minute, mentally forcing herself to put them on a plate and bring them over to the living room. She knew that doing this meant she would have to eat one, that she would have to make herself eat one. 

Outside Sharon produced two cigarettes, one for herself and one for Willam, who promptly lit both.

Sharon took a long drag, relaxing herself with the comfort of the smoky exhale.

“So, what’s the plan, Needles?” Willam asked, taking a drag from her own cigarette. She was partial to weed, but never turned down the offer of a good smoke.

“I want to hurt her, Willam, badly. And I know people who would help me. But if Alaska ever found out, that I hurt people for her, even Alyssa and Gia, I don’t know what she would do. You know what she’s like. Too kind for her own good.”

“You know I want nothing more than for that bitch to die. Even if it were quick and fairly painless. But I’m far too pretty for prison.” Willam replied, tying to lighten the mood.

Back inside, Courtney and Alaska were wrapped up beside each other sipping tea, chatting intermittently while watching an episode of Golden Girls that Courtney had no doubt her friend had seen ten or more times. It didn’t bother Alaska at all, partially because she could never watch too much Golden Girls and partially because her mind was more focused on the plate of cookies in front of her.

Sharon and Willam came back in, grabbing their coffee from the kitchen, Willam sitting down in a small armchair by the tv, and Sharon sliding in on the other side of Alaska on the couch.

Sharon noticed her girlfriend’s eyes glued to the plate of cookies in front of her. She picked one up herself and began eating it, offering the plate first to Courtney and Willam, then finally to Alaska. She leaned in closely to her girlfriend and whispered, “We’ll eat it together. No big deal. Right?”

Alaska calmly nodded, picking up a cookie and nibbling along the sides.

Sharon simply squeezed her girlfriend’s hand and focused her gaze on Dorothy and Rose.

Courtney and Willam’s quick morning visit turned into a three-hour event of coffee and talking and Golden Girls. Even if it were just for a short while, Alaska was happy. Truly content with being at home, with her girlfriend and her best friends watching her favourite tv show. She felt loved, and safe, and she didn’t feel embarrassed by it for the first time over the last few days. As Courtney pressed play on their tenth episode of the Golden Girls, Alaska’s mind began to wander to the following day. Monday. School.

“More tea, Lasky?” Courtney suddenly asked from her girlfriend’s lap, where she had moved a few episodes ago.

“I’m ok. We should get lunch or something though. It’s after two” Alaska responded.

Sharon turned her head to stare, slightly shocked, at her girlfriend.

Noticing Sharon’s reaction, Courtney stepped in quickly.

“We can go. You know, for lunch? Willam and I can go back to mine.” She said, worried having more people in her home while eating a meal would upset Alaska. “It’s just that we’ve been here for a while.” She added quickly.

Sharon smiled gratefully at Courtney, but Alaska was adamant that she would fall back into normal eating habits. She knew everyone was skirting around the issue of eating with her.

“I think we should order a pizza or something. You know, from that nice vegetarian place that’s a few blocks over?” Alaska asked, ignoring Courtney’s offer to leave.

“Are you sure?” Sharon asked quietly.

“I’ll be fine. I promise.” Alaska said, pecking her girlfriend on her lips.

“Sounds good to me” Willam said.

“Me too” Courtney answered happily.

“I’ll go call” Sharon said, going to grab her phone from the kitchen.

Alaska smiled at Courtney before returning her gaze to the tv, hoping that if she pretended for long enough that she was happy to eat and in control of her feelings toward food, that those pretenses might just manifest themselves into reality. 

When the pizza’s arrived, Alaska had to fight her head. It took a lot of effort and talking to herself, and she only managed a slice and a half of her vegetable pizza. She felt tired, and fed up, and embarrassed, her previously sunny mood evidently gone, so she merely curled herself into a ball and lay her head in Sharon’s lap. Sharon didn’t mind one bit, understanding how hard eating must be for her girlfriend right now, especially when they weren’t alone. As usual, Sharon’s hand automatically resumed stroking her girlfriend’s hair as she fell asleep.

About a half hour later, Willam and Courtney decided they would go home, on one hand to give Alaska some space when she woke up, and on the other to make-out, seeing as they hadn’t been on top of each other for almost five hours. Before leaving, Courtney kissed Alaska’s cheek softly, and Willam promised Sharon that they would follow through with their plan Monday evening. Sharon solemnly nodded in response.

Once the other two were gone, Sharon switched off the tv and allowed herself to fall asleep for the third time that day, wrapped up on the couch with her girlfriend.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raja and Willam offer their services & Sharon gets upset.

The following morning Sharon woke up before six. Once again, she hadn’t slept too well, going over the conversation she had had with Willam multiple times in her head. Knowing there was no chance that she would fall back asleep, she silently slipped out of bed and into the kitchen.

Sharon was stressed, and even after smoking a cigarette she hadn’t calmed down, so she turned to cooking. It was a skill her mother had taught her during the short period of her childhood when they didn’t fight constantly. In Sharon’s opinion, it was the only useful thing she had gotten from her parents. It had also become a coping mechanism. So she made pancakes, and eggs, and two different types of smoothie, and coffee followed by more coffee which she drank by the bucket.

Alaska eventually emerged from their bedroom with her blonde hair perched in a messy nest on top of her head. She was still quite pale and had dark bags under her eyes, but she was dressed.

Silently she walked over to Sharon and wrapped her arms around her waist from behind, leaning her head on her shoulder and kissing her girlfriends neck softly. 

“Morning doll” Sharon said quietly, tilting her head back to give Alaska better access.

“Mmm” Alaska mumbled in response into her neck.

Slowly she kissed her way up her girlfriend’s neck and along her jaw bone, finally reaching her lips. She turned Sharon around to face her, and immediately Sharon wrapped her arms tightly around Alaska’s waist. They stood together, lips moving passionately, forgetting for just a moment, about the anxiety and darkness in their lives.

“I love you” Alaska whispered against her girlfriend’s lips when they broke apart.

“I love you too” Sharon replied, kissing the top of Alaska’s nose which made her giggle.

“So, breakfast?” she asked.

“Breakfast.” Sharon confirmed.

An hour later they pulled into the school parking lot on Sharon’s motorbike. They were going to be a little late to classes, which worried Alaska, but Sharon couldn’t care less.

“I’ll meet you out back at lunch, ok?” Alaska said, hopping of the back of the bike and jogging towards the school doors.

“Yeah, later babe” Sharon called after her.

Rather than following her girlfriend into the school Sharon walked around the back, under the bleachers, hoping to find a particular person cutting class there that morning. She was in luck.

“Raja” Sharon said, smiling slightly at the tall, androgynous looking figure in front of her.

“Needles” Raja replied, smiling and offering Sharon her already lit cigarette, which she gratefully accepted.

Raja and Sharon had been friends since the started high school, when they became acquainted on several occasions smoking under the bleachers. They got on well, and had become even closer over their senior year. Sharon didn’t get on with a lot of people. It’s not that she didn’t like them, she was just so guarded about who she trusted. Raja was one of the few exceptions.

“How’ve you been?” Raja asked, blowing cigarette smoke from her mouth.

“I’ve been better” Sharon answered.

“Haven’t we all. How’s your tall blonde?”

“She’s been better. What about you and Raven?”

“Raven… is Raven”

“Going soft are we Raj?”

“Absolutely”

After a moment or two of silence, Sharon spoke again.

“I need your help with something Raja” she said, suddenly sounding serious. Raja turned to look at her, noticing the change in tone of the conversation.

“I need to hurt some fucking bitches”

“My favourite activity. Care to elaborate?”

“Alyssa and Gia. They’re making Alaska’s life a living hell in this place. They’re going to hurt her, Raj, if I don’t do something. And soon”

“Tell me what you need, and it’s done”

At lunchtime, Alaska made her way to the bleachers with her lunch, avoiding anywhere she thought Alyssa and her friends might be. Unfortunately for her, Alyssa had decided that today would be the day that she would take Gia with her on a tour of the hallways at lunch break. By the time Alaska saw them coming towards her it was too late to run away.

“Hey Alaska, how are you?” Gia asked, feigning sweetness.

“We heard you had an incident on Friday that conveniently happened the night of the game. If only you could control whatever anorexic mess is going on with your body for one night. Oh, but silly me, I couldn’t expect for poor starving Lasky to not seek attention through some sort of suicide attempt on the night of one of the biggest games of the year” Alyssa said, attacking the taller girl with every malicious, spiteful word.

Alaska began to run down the hallway, bursting out the front doors of the school, trying to calm herself down.

Deal with it, Alaska. You’re fine. Don’t listen to her. And calm the hell down, you can’t worry Sharon any more than you already have, she said to herself, walking around the back of the building and under the bleachers.

“Hey babe” Sharon said, greeting her girlfriend with a soft kiss. She immediately noticed that Alaska’s body was tense against hers.

“Hi” Alaska replied quietly, forcing a stiff smile, leaning her head against her girlfriend’s shoulder.

“What happened?” Sharon asked bluntly.

“I’m fine”

“You aren’t doll, what happened?”

“Nothing Shar, I’m just tired” Alaska mumbled, burying her head further into Sharon’s neck.

“What happened Alaska?”

“Alyssa” she whispered, too tires to continue to combat questions. “I swear though Shar, it’s fine. I’m fine. She’s a bitch, I know she is, and I’m not listening to her. Let’s just have lunch” she said, removing her head from her girlfriend’s shoulder.

Sharon just nodded, biting back anger as best she could.

“Hi Raja!” Alaska said happily as she saw the tall, model-like girl approaching.

“Alaska!” Raja replied giddily, wrapping her long arms around the blonde girl. Ever since Sharon had started dating Alaska, Raja had had a soft spot for her. They enjoyed each other’s senses of humour, and even Raven liked Alaska, which was a tough feat, because Raven is a hard person to please.

“How are you, honey?” Raja asked.

“I’m good Raj. Where’s Raven?”

“She should be here. She promised she’d meet me here for lunch, but you know what she’s like. Probably in one of the bathrooms re-applying her lipstick for the twelfth time.”

“What was that babe?” Raven said, putting her hands on her hips where she stood behind her girlfriend.

Sharon laughed at the expression on Raja’s face, wrapping her arms around her own girlfriend as Alaska dramatically backed away from the other couple.

“Rave, hi baby, I missed you” Raja said, turning to face Raven with a smile.

“Mm hmm” Raven hummed, raising her eyebrows, “Hey Lasky!” she said, walking past Raja.

“Hi Rave” Alaska said, hugging Raven.

“Long time no see, are you ok?” she enquired, noticing how thin the other girl looked, even thinner than usual, that was.

“Absolutely. You look gorgeous, what lipstick is that?” Alaska asked, falling easily into a conversation with the curvy, short-haired girl.

Sharon retreated into her thoughts as she took another drag from her cigarette, admiring how naturally her girlfriend could converse with everyone around her. She had noticed how everyone that got to know Alaska, loved her. Except god-damned fucking Alyssa, who had made it her mission to ruin Alaska’s life.

“So, Shar, before last class?” Raja asked, intruding on Sharon’s thoughts, her voice low, careful to not be overheard by their girlfriends.

“I’ll meet you and Willam by the first-floor bathrooms.” she confirmed.

Alaska had to force herself to take the first bite of her lunch, but once she had started, eating was easy enough with Raven and Raja’s antics as a suitable distraction.

They spent the rest of their break catching up with one another. Sharon kept her arm protectively wrapped around Alaska the entire time, making sure she had eaten enough and wasn’t too upset by whatever had happened between herself and Alyssa earlier.

They parted ways when the bell rang, Alaska promising to meet Sharon by her locker the minute school ended.

Just before the last class began, Raja and Willam showed up to meet Sharon by the bathrooms.

“So they have a free period after gym?” Sharon asked, getting straight down to business.

“They don’t have a free period, they just hand about the showers for their classes after gym. Usually it’s just the two of them, and they’re alone” Willam answered.

“Sharon, if we’re doing this, we’re doing it properly” Raja said, “We hurt them where it isn’t visible, if we need to. The point of this is to scare, not to kill them, ok? I’ve seen it go wrong too many times when people forget the original plan and purpose and they end up behind bars.”

“And like I said before, I’m too pretty for prison” Willam added.

Sharon nodded, trusting Raja because of her experience with this type of thing. Raja hadn’t grown up in the best of neighbours, but with three older brothers, so she knew what she was doing.

“Have you got the note Gia?”

“Of course”

“We can just put it through the gap in her locker. What number was it?”

“I think it’s the one beside Courtney’s”

“Ok, here, give it to me”

Alyssa pushed the piece of paper through the gap in the locker door, grinning at Gia as she did so.

“Finally, that anorexic dyke might take a hint and kill herself” they laughed.

At that moment Sharon pulled herself from Raja’s grip, and ran out from behind a set of lockers two rows over where she, Raja and Willam had been hiding.

She shoved Alyssa against the lockers, grabbing the collar of her cheer shirt, raising her fist in the air. Before she could hit her, Willam grabbed Sharon’s fist.

“Don’t Sharon. Not yet”

Sharon pulled her arm free and slapped Alyssa across her face, wiping the smug grin from her lips.

“You twisted evil fucking cunt Alyssa Edwards. I swear I could kill you for what you’ve done to Alaska” Sharon shouted tightening her grip around Alyssa’s collar.

“Calm down, dyke” Gia said from where she stood, assuming she was safe from Sharon.

“Shut the fuck up, Gia” Willam said, shoving her back against a locker.

Sharon quickly pulled a pocketknife from her jacket, flipping it open and holding it threateningly close to Alyssa’s neck.

“No, please don’t” Alyssa whimpered beneath her.

“Sharon, be smart. Like we discussed.” Raja said, resting her hand on her friend’s shoulder.

“Another word and I use it” Sharon said, putting the knife back in her pocket.

“Care to tell us about your little note?” Raja asked

“It… it’s nothing. It’s just about cheer practice times” Gia stuttered.

“I’d try that again.” Willam said, “I’m particularly good with locks and bobby pins and I’d hate to find that on top of being a manipulative bully, you’re also a liar”

Neither Alyssa nor Gia said anything.

“What. Does. It. Say?” Sharon spat, raising her fist again.

Alyssa simply cowered lower under her grip.

“Don’t test me” Sharon warned.

“It says…it says that… that she should go…kill herself” Alyssa whispered.

Unable to control herself, Sharon punched the cheerleader hard in the stomach, effectively doubling her over.

Sharon didn’t stop there, turning to Gia and punching her in the side of her ribs.

Raja added her two cents, calmly pulling Alyssa up by her ponytail and landing a second punch on top of Sharon’s. Willam followed suit, slapping Gia across her face.

Sharon stood back and pulled out her knife, walking towards Alyssa, who was still bent over, tears rolling down her face.

“Sharon, don’t. That’s enough. She’s got the message, they both have”

“Raja, she tried to kill Alaska. My Alaska. If it was Raven, what would you do?”

“I would want her dead. You know I would. But we can’t kill her Sharon, you know that. You’ve hurt her, we’ve scared them”

“I… I’ll go.. to .. the headmaster with this” Alyssa said from where she sat on the floor.

At that, Raja grabbed Sharon and held her tight. “Do not sink to her level. We discussed this. You know what to do” she said quietly.

“You go to the headmaster and we’ll tell them everything you’ve done to Alaska.” Raja said calmly.

“You.. have no… proof” she gasped.

Willam pulled her phone from her bra, turning the volume up and playing a video of Gia and Alyssa discussing putting the note in Alaska’s locker.

“Something tells me that this, and the lovely little note in that locker might just do” Willam answered.

“You so much as look at Alaska once more, and I kill you” Sharon practically growled at the two of them, pulling away from Raja and storming out of the room, leaving both cheerleaders on the ground with two large, and unnoticeable injuries.

As soon as she reached the bathrooms, Sharon leaned her back against the wall and slid to the ground. Her face held a stony glare as large tears began to spill from her eyes.

Seconds later Willam burst in though the bathroom doors.

“Sharon, that was… oh” she said, noticing the tears rolling down Sharon’s face. No-one ever saw Sharon Needles cry.

“Raja.. I think you should come in here” she called down the hallway to Raja, who was casually strolling towards the bathroom as if she hadn’t just helped beat up two head cheerleaders.

Raja quickened her pace and brushed past Willam into the bathroom.

“Oh Shar” she whispered, kneeling down in front of her friend, “Are you alright honey?”

Sharon didn’t reply, she simply stared ahead at the blank wall.

“Sharon, can you talk to me?” Raja asked again, resting her hand on Sharon’s knee. Once again, she received no answer.

“Raja, what can I do?” Willam asked quietly.

“Go get Alaska” Raja firmly decided.

Willam ran down the hall to Alaska’s English class, knocking on the door before slamming it open.

“Sorry Miss Del Rio, I need Alaska. Pronto.”

Before the teacher could stop her, Alaska was out the door after Willam. She followed her friend down the hall to the bathroom, stopping outside the door where Willam stood.

“What is it Bill?”

“It’s Sharon.”

“What, what’s wrong?”

“Just, breath, then go in and see for yourself. Ok?”

Alaska pushed the door open and stopped for a second, shocked to see tears silently rolling down her girlfriend’s face.

“Shar?” she asked cautiously.

“Alaska?” Sharon said, looking up. Upon seeing her girlfriend, she opened her arms wide.

“Hi baby” Alaska whispered, curling up in her girlfriend’s arms.

Raja and Willam left the bathroom silently, allowing the two to have a moment to calm down.

“What happened sweetheart?” Alaska asked, a bit shaken seeing tear stains on her girlfriend’s cheeks. She could count the number of times she had seen Sharon cry on one hand, and it had only been under the worst of circumstances.

“It’s nothing baby, don’t worry” Sharon said, pulling Alaska so tightly to her, Alaska felt she would never let go. “I’m just glad you’re safe.”

“Of course, I’m safe, Shar” she said comfortingly, “What brought this on?”

“Can we talk at home, please?” Sharon pleaded.

“Sure, babe, sure” Alaska said, standing up and pulling Sharon with her. They kept their hands locked together.

Raja, Willam and Courtney were standing by the door in the middle of a frantic whispered conversation when they came out of the bathroom.

“Courtney?” Sharon questioned.

“I followed Alaska out of class. Is everything ok?”

“We’re fine, thanks” Sharon smiled.

“Want me to drive?” Alaska asked.

“Alaska, babe, I love you, but I’d kind of like to not die just yet, and letting you drive my motorcycle home is a death sentence”

“It is not!” Alaska gasped, pretending to be insulted, but really she was just happy that Sharon was laughing.

“See you tomorrow?” Raja asked.

“If I must” Sharon winked, “but seriously, Raja, Willam, thank you”

“See you all tomorrow” Alaska said, as the final bell rang, and they walked out the door.


	10. Chapter 10

“Oh, babe, I left my purse in my locker. Will you wait here why I run back?” Alaska said just as she was about to get on the back of Sharon’s motorbike.

“Yeah, take your time doll. I’m fine” Sharon replied.

Alaska ran back into the building to wards her locker, past the large flow of students coming towards her. She opened her lock quickly, cursing when she realised she had left her purse in her locker in the gym changing rooms.

Praying to god she wouldn’t meet Alyssa or any of her friends by the gym, she quickly jogged down the hallway and into the locker room. She opened her locker quickly, grabbing her purse and slamming the door shut. She was about to turn and run back outside when she noticed a piece of paper that had fallen from her locker.

She picked up the piece of folded paper, opening it and looking for a name, thinking it could be another one of the girls’ class notes. When she realised it was addressed to her, she began reading.

Dear Alaska,

I don’t know what it is exactly about you that makes your existence so worthless.

Maybe it’s because you’re a disgusting dyke.

Maybe it’s because you’re mentally incompetent, evident from whatever ugly anorexic disease you have.

Or maybe it’s because you’re unlovable.

Probably all three.

The world would be better off without you here, making everyone else’s lives miserable.

I don’t know how fucking Needles can stand to be around you.

Go kill yourself will you? Do us all a favour and die.

There’s rope in the store cupboard

She slid to the ground with her back to the lockers.

I can’t live like this. This isn’t living. Everyone would be better off without me. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of struggling every moment to stay alive. For what? To feel pain, to cause Sharon pain? To hurt Courtney and Willam? If I go, I can be with my mom. That way I won’t hurt anymore. And I can’t hurt anyone else. They’re right, I would be doing everyone a favour. I’ve spent two years telling myself I would get better, be better. I can’t do this anymore.

Slowly she stood up. Moving as if she were in a daze, towards the store cupboard.

Rope

She walked back to the showers, pulling a stool from the store cupboard with her. Standing on the stool, she attached the rope in a tight series of knots to the shower head, leaving a loop in the bottom.

She lifted the loop around her neck, taking one final breath before stepping off the edge.

Maybe where I’m going will be something nearer to perfect.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sharon realises Alaska's missing, and goes back into school to find her.

“Hey Sharon, where did Lasky go?” Raja asked walking up to the blonde girl on her motorbike.

“She went to get her purse” Sharon answered, checking time on her phone, “Actually about ten or fifteen minutes ago”

“She ran past me and Rave in the hallway by the locker rooms like five minutes ago.”

“The locker rooms?”

“Yeah, I think that’s where she went”

“What if Alyssa and Gia are still in there Raja?” Sharon said, jumping off her bike.

“Relax Shar,” Raja said, putting her hand on Sharon’s shoulder. “I don’t think they’ll be trying to hurt her anytime soon”

“Raja, we don’t know that. They’ll probably still talk to her, or leave her fucking anonymous notes like the one… Raja the fucking note!” Sharon shouted, turning and running back through the school.

“Fuck” Raja gasped, the realisation hitting her that they had completely forgotten to take the note out of Alaska’s locker after everything that had happened that afternoon. She sprinted after Sharon, her long legs allowing her to quickly catch up with the shorter girl.

“Where are you going babe?” Raven called, when she saw her girlfriend running down the hall past the bathrooms, from where she had emerged.

“Alaska? Alaska!” Sharon screamed, bursting through the doors of the locker rooms and running towards her girlfriend’s locker. She saw her purse and a piece of paper on the floor.

“Alaska! Alaska! Where are you?” she shouted.

Suddenly she heard a loud bang coming from the showers. Turning quickly, she ran into the bathroom, Raja quick on her heels, followed by a confused looking Raven.

“Oh my God!” Sharon screamed, as Alaska’s eyes fell closed.

“Alaska!” Raja cried.

Raven couldn’t move.

Sharon grabbed the upturned stool from the ground standing it back up under her girlfriend’s feet, trying to balance Alaska’s weight between her arms and the stool.

Raja, being taller, lifted Alaska’s legs into her arms, supporting her limp body.

Sharon stood on the stool, removing the rope from her girlfriend’s throat.

“Raven, get water” Raja ordered, needing water for Alaska, but also wanting Raven to move away from the situation for a moment.

Sharon and Raja lifted Alaska over to one of the benches by the lockers, laying her down with her head in Sharon’s lap.

“Alaska, Alaska baby. It’s me. I really need you to hear me baby, please. I love you so much, and I need you. You can’t go anywhere sweetheart. Please baby, wake up. I love you. I love you. I love you” Sharon whispered over and over again.

Raja wiped tears from her cheeks, taking a deep breath and stepping into action.

“Sharon, I’ve dealt with this a few times before, so I need you to listen to me, so I can help her wake up, ok?”

Sharon nodded.

“Ok, so she’s breathing, I can see her chest moving. That’s good. But we need to get her on the ground in the recovery position, alright?

Sharon nodded, pulling her jacket off and laying in down on the ground, letting Raja slide her girlfriend’s legs from the bench as she lowered her head carefully onto the ground onto her jacket.

“We need to turn her on her side” Raja said calmly, needing Sharon to stay responsive so she could help her.

Sharon just nodded again, gently lifting Alaska onto her side.

“Shar, you need to keep talking to me” Raja insisted.

“Ok” Sharon replied simply.

“I have water” Raven said, handing a bottle of water to Raja.

“Thanks babe. Do you think you could grab some towels or jackets or something? We need to keep Alaska warm”

“Ok” Raven answered, turning and leaving the locker rooms.

“Raja, is she going to live?” Sharon asked, shaking.

“Yes honey. We got here on time. She might have a bruise for a while, but she will be physically ok. Let her have a minute to wake up.” Raja said softly.

Suddenly Alaska gasped, beginning to shake.

“Raja, what’s happening? What’s happening?” Sharon asked, raising her voice, panicking.

“It’s ok, she’s waking up. She’s just cold, and she’s trying to get more oxygen into her lungs. I promise, Sharon, I’ve seen this happen before, she’s ok.” Raja said, placing her hand on Sharon’s knee.

“Raja?” Raven asked timidly from where she stood behind her girlfriend, “I have jackets”

“Thanks babe” Raja said, squeezing her girlfriend’s hand, taking her and Raven’s jackets from her arms and wrapping them cautiously around Alaska.

“Alaska, baby, it’s me. I’m here sweetheart. You’re ok. I’m here.” Sharon said desperately, running her fingers through her girlfriend’s hair.

Alaska was breathing heavily, gasping for the air that she had constricted from her lungs, still shaking wildly.

“Sh…Shar…” she gasped, turning to look at her girlfriend.

“Lasky, I’m here, I’m here baby” she said desperately, gently lifting her girlfriends head onto her lap.

Alaska’s breathing finally steadied itself.

“I’m… I’m supposed… I should… be dead” she muttered in between shakes.

Sharon couldn’t bring herself to answer as tears rolled down her face. She looked up at Raja, her eyes begging the taller girl to help her.

“Alaska, do you think you could drink some of this for me?” Raja asked from behind her.

Alaska jumped, not realising that she and Sharon weren’t alone.

“I’m sorry honey, it’s just me, it’s Raja. And Raven is here too.” Raja said, kneeling down beside her.

“I… I should be dead. Why… why am I not dead? Raja let me die” Alaska sobbed, looking desperately at Raja.

Behind her Raven began crying, watching Alaska so distressed.

Beside Alaska, Sharon finally spoke up, looking thoroughly distraught.

“Alaska. You’re not supposed to be dead baby. You are supposed to be alive, and to live and be happy. I know your life hasn’t felt like living in a very long time, but we will get through this sweetheart. You can be happy and healthy. And you are so loved baby, you are so so, loved. You are not a burden, Alaska, you make my life worth living. I know you might think that you’re not needed in this life, but I need you. More than anything. And I love you more than I’ve ever loved anything in my life. You are supposed to be here baby, with me.”

“No, no. I can’t. You don’t need me. And I’m tired. Too tired. I can’t fight anymore. I’m not strong enough.” Alaska said, staring into Sharon’s eyes.

Behind them Raven was wrapped in Raja’s arms, crying.

“Baby, you are so strong. And I do need you, you saved my life, Alaska. I love you, and I promise, you will feel better. We can get out of here, no more school. No more bullies. We can get you help. Raja, will you call an ambulance?” Sharon asked, removing her attention for a split second from her girlfriend.

“No!” Alaska shouted, grabbing Sharon’s wrist, “Please, no ambulance. I don’t need it, please.”

“Alaska, honey, we nearly lost you. I really think we should get you to a hospital”

“No, Shar, they’ll take me away from you. Lock me up like an insane person. Please, Sharon please” Alaska begged, tears rolling down her cheeks.

Sharon glanced up at Raja, looking for support.

“Alaska, I think going to hospital would be the best idea. But… if you really don’t want too, it’s not necessary. I’ve dealt with this before.” Raja said, looking at Sharon, “I can handle the physical first aid side of things for today, and maybe you can reconsider tomorrow?” she suggested nervously, not wanting to upset either girl even further.

“No hospital, Sharon, please” Alaska said tiredly, letting her eyes flutter closed, fighting to keep them open.

“Ok baby, no hospital. For today. But that means Raja has to be allowed to do whatever she needs. Ok?”

“Mhmm” Alaska murmured.

Sharon nodded up at Raja, who sprang into action.

“Ok Lasky, I need you to stay awake just for a bit longer, alright?” she said, kneeling down beside her.

Alaska pulled her eyes open and nodded slowly.

“On a scale of one to ten, what level of pain are you at honey?”

“Neck is nine, head is eight. I’m cold” she muttered.

“Alright Lasky, I need you to focus on Sharon. I’m just going to check your neck and pulse, and to do that, I’ll need to move your head a little. It might hurt. Ok?”

“Ok” Alaska answered, locking her eyes with Sharon’s. Both of their eyes were bloodshot and wet from tears.

Raja gently took Alaska wrist between her fingers, beckoning Raven to come sit beside her. She whispered to her girlfriend to count thirty while she counted Alaska’s pulse. Raven solemnly nodded. Raja was satisfied that although her pulse was far too fast, at least she had a pulse, and her heart rate would slow down in a little while.

“Right Lasky, I’m going to touch your neck and move your head slowly, so I can check for wounds. Tell me if you need me to stop.”

As soon as Raja lay her fingers on the blonde girls’ neck, Alaska grabbed Sharon’s hand and squeezed it so tightly, Sharon thought her fingers might break.

“Raja, she’s in a lot of pain” Sharon whispered.

“Alaska, one to ten?”

“Twelve” she gasped. Raja instantly removed her fingers.

“Ok, we need painkillers”

“I have some” Raven said, pulling two from her bag.

“Alaska, do you think you can sit up”

“With help”

“Ok, Rave, will you lift under her arm while I take the other? Sharon lean back against those lockers” Raja instructed.

Sharon slid over and leaned her back against the lockers while Raven and Raja gently lifted Alaska up and into Sharon’s arms so that she was sitting in between her girlfriend’s legs.

“All good Lasky?”

“Mmm” she hummed.

“Pain?”

“Head nine. Neck ten.”

Raja inhaled sharply before handing Sharon the water and painkillers.

“Here you go baby, these’ll help”

Alaska gratefully took the painkillers taking a sip of water.

As soon as she swallowed the water she screamed in pain.

“Alaska, Alaska, baby talk to me”

“I’m sorry. It’s swallowing. Hurts” she said quietly as fresh tears rolled down her cheeks.

“It’s normal after constricting your oesophagus for eating or drinking to hurt honey, but the painkillers will help” Raja said, rubbing her leg comfortingly.

Sharon’s hand was back in Alaska’s hair, stroking her blonde, messy waves soothingly.

Alaska leaned her head back against Sharon’s, leaving her sore neck exposed, making it easy for Raja to examine it.

“Alaska, if you keep your head back like that, I should be able to check your neck without touching it” Raja said calmly, leaning in and carefully checking for any long-lasting damage.

“I think we got to you quick enough honey, for the damage to be as minimal as it could be in this situation. It’s going to hurt for a while, but if anything, there doesn’t seem to be internal bruising or bleeding as far as I know. It would be safer for you to get to hospital to be sure, but that’s tomorrow’s problem.” Raja said, decidedly.

“Do you think we could move you to get you home, Alaska?” Sharon asked quietly.

“I think so” Alaska said, eyes closed, still shivering, “I’m really cold Shar” she whispered.

“I know doll, we’ll get you home and warm you up now”

After carefully lifting Alaska to Raja’s car, she lay down in the back seat with her head in Sharon’s lap. Raja drove them home and both she and Raven helped Sharon carry Alaska into the apartment and into bed. Alaska was half-asleep, but couldn’t fully relax due to the amount of pain she was in.

Stepping outside of their bedroom for a moment, Sharon thanked Raja and Raven profusely for their help.

“Shar, it’s ok. I’m glad I was there to help. The poor girl has been put through hell and back, I just hope she’ll be ok” Raja said, wrapping her arms around Sharon who was pale as a ghost.

“I hope so too.” Sharon sighed, giving Raven a quick hug before going back into her bedroom, letting Raja and Raven see themselves out.

Sharon slid into bed and propped herself up on her side beside Alaska, who slowly opened her eyes to look at her girlfriend.

“Hi doll” Sharon whispered, giving her a small smile, her hand resuming its place in Alaska’s hair.

“I’m so sorry Sharon. I’m so, so sorry.” Alaska whispered, not reciprocating the smile, “You must be so tired of putting up with me”

Sharon took a deep breath before speaking.

“Alaska, I love you. Nothing you ever do or say will change that. But I know that right now you can’t let yourself believe that. I will never get tired of you. Tired of how other people treat you, tired of disorders making your life a lot harder, yes. But I will never get tired of you. It’s impossible. What happened today Alaska, was not your fault, I know that.”

“How can you say it’s not my fault. How?”

“I know about the note Alaska.”

“It wasn’t the note, Shar. I… I chose to be with my mom”

“Oh honey. I know you miss her, I know you do. But you didn’t go back into that school today to kill yourself love. That note told you to.”

Alaska lowered her gaze, unable to meet Sharon’s eyes. “But I listened to it” she whispered.

“Alaska, you have been put through hell over this last year. Suicide is not a solution, and I can’t tell you… I can’t tell you how relieved I am we got to you on time. But you’re not well doll, you’re not. We will get you well though.” Sharon said, still running her hand through her girlfriend’s blonde hair.

“Do you honestly think I will ever get better?” Alaska asked quietly, bringing her eyes back up to meet Sharon’s.

“I think you will get better. You will be happy and healthy again Alaska. And I’ll be with you every step of the way” Sharon said firmly, leaning forward to kiss her girlfriend’s forehead.

“I love you too.”

“Pain one to ten?” Sharon checked.

“Head six, neck six” Alaska said, leaning carefully in closer to her girlfriend’s touch.

“That’s better. Why don’t you try to sleep, and I’ll wake you to give you more painkillers in an hour or so?”

“Will you stay with me?”

“Where else would I be?” she said, kissing her girlfriend carefully once more on her forehead.

Back at Raven’s house, she and Raja were wrapped up together on the couch. Both of them had been crying for a while. The adrenaline that had kicked in when she was looking after Alaska had drained from Raja’s body and she was tired, but couldn’t sleep. Raven was still in a slight state of shock after seeing her friend’s limp body hanging from the shower.

“Rave?” Raja asked quietly, “Are you alright babe?”, looking down at her girlfriend who was lying curled up in her lap. Raven hadn’t moved her eyes from the same spot on the wall in twenty or so minutes.

“I’m ok. I should be asking you. You saved her life Raja.” Raven said, dragging her eyes away from the wall to meet Raja’s.

“I didn’t save her life. Sharon did. I just helped.”

“Then you helped save her life. How did you know how to do all that?” Raven asked nervously, not wanting to upset her girlfriend.

“Where I come from, Rave, bad things happen to people. Sometimes because of other people, sometimes because of their situation. I’ve lost two cousins to suicide and I’ve dealt with about three other attempts.”

Raven sat up and wrapped her arms around Raja, who rested her head on her girlfriend’s shoulder and began to sob again.

“You’re so strong Raja. I love you”

“I love you too” she mumbled into Raven’s shoulder through heart-wrenching sobs.

The following morning Alaska and Sharon didn’t wake up until midday. After more painkillers the night before, Alaska had managed to sleep, albeit restlessly, for the full night. Sharon hadn’t been quite as lucky, but eventually had fallen asleep in the early hours of the morning.

“Shar?” Alaska asked, voice cracking.

Sharon sad up with a jolt, “Lasky, are you ok?”

“I’m ok. Just pain. Eight” she winced.

“Ok baby, I’ll grab you some painkillers” Sharon said, moving quickly out to the kitchen.

Twenty minutes later, the painkillers had kicked in and Alaska’s pain had subsided a good deal. Sharon came back from the kitchen with a tray full of soft foods and warm drinks. Alaska smiled at her from where she was propped up on a pile of cushions on their bed.

“Doll, I know it’s going to hurt, but you need to eat something” Sharon said carefully, then changing her tone, “So I have those yogurts you like, that tea Courtney brought you, some oatmeal and I have two types of smoothie” she said cheerfully.

“Thank you, babe” Alaska said, “I’m so sor…”

“Lasky, no more sorry”

“I know, but I just…”

“No, sweetheart, no. I’m happy you’re here. We’re here together, that’s all that matters” she said, sitting down on the bed, leaning over to kiss her girlfriend softly on the lips.

“Ok” Alaska replied quietly.

After a slightly painful breakfast, and a warm bath together, they sat on the couch wrapped up in blankets with Golden Girls playing on the television. Sharon’s head was swimming with information she had read online the night before on helping a loved one after a suicide attempt. If Alaska was going to get better she needed a plan, or guidelines, or something to help her girlfriend recover. She still had the idea of going to hospital in the back of her mind, knowing that Alaska should probably see a doctor, but understanding that getting her girlfriend to agree to that would be near impossible.

“Sharon?” Alaska said, turning to look up at her girlfriend.

“Yeah babe?” Sharon answered.

“I think we should call Raja and Rave” she said shyly.

“Sure doll. Do you want to talk to them or will I just pass on a message?”

“I’ll call. I need to talk to Raja” she said firmly, grabbing Sharon’s phone from the table in front of her.

She took a deep breath before calling Raja’s number, leaning back against her girlfriend, who wrapped her arms tightly around her.

Raja answered the phone almost immediately.

“Sharon, is everything ok? Is Alaska ok? Are you ok?” Raja asked hurriedly.

“Raja. It’s ok. It’s me” Alaska said quickly.

“Oh, thank god. Lasky, honey, how are you?”

“It’s Alaska, how is she?” Alaska heard Raven ask in the background.

“I’m ok. I promise. I slept. I ate. I have Sharon.” she said, pulling Sharon’s arm tighter around her.

“That’s great Lasky. How are you feeling?” Raven asked, Raja having put the phone on speaker.

“Honestly, I feel numb. And I feel guilty. And embarrassed. And I’m just really, really sorry for putting you through that.” Alaska almost whispered.

“Alaska, honey, I know how horrible all of that must feel. I promise you, it will go away. You can get better. I’ve seen it happen before with people I love. And you never have to apologise to us, Lasky. We love you, and we’re glad you’re here.” Raja said comfortingly.

“We love you so much babe” Raven added.

“I love you too. And thank you again. I’ll see you both soon” Alaska said, feeling tears in her eyes.

“Bye Lasky, love you” Raja said before hanging up.

Alaska curled herself into an even tighter ball, burying her face in Sharon’s shoulder.

“You are so strong baby. I know that was hard.” Sharon whispered, rubbing her girlfriend’s back.

After half an hour or so of cuddling, Sharon decided she had better let Alaska in on her plan.

“Lasky?”

“Mmm”

“We need to have a proper talk babe”

Alaska sat up, turning so she could look her girlfriend in the eyes.

“I know”

“Ok. I know that you know you should go see a doctor. But I also know you, and I don’t think going to a doctor is really an option right now”

Alaska nodded.

“So, if we’re not going to go to a doctor, we need our own plan. I’ve done some research, doll, and we’re going to have to follow some rules, or guidelines, or something, I don’t really know what to call it” Sharon blurted out, trying too hard tiptoe around her girlfriend so as not to upset her.

“Shar, it’s ok. I know. I trust you. And I want to get better. I really do.” Alaska said, taking her girlfriend’s hand in her own.

This seemed to assure Sharon. She proceeded to tell Alaska about everything she read online about eating disorders, suicide attempts, anxiety and depression, and recovery. By the end of a very long discussion, they had settled on making a meal plan for the next few weeks to regulate and manage Alaska’s food intake while she got back on track. Sharon also made her promise to talk to her all the time, to tell her when she felt down, or upset or embarrassed. Even when she felt happy. She insisted on communication being open and fluid for her recovery to work. Alaska also promised that they could revisit the idea of a doctor in a week’s time.

“And school?” Alaska asked eventually, knowing it was the one topic they hadn’t tackled yet.

“Food first” Sharon said, reaching for her phone.

“Food first?”

“Yeah. I think we should eat a meal before we deal with that, doll. How does vegan pizza from that place we ordered from when Willam and Courtney were here?” Sharon said, smiling.

“Yeah, ok” Alaska said, leaning in to kiss her girlfriend’s lips. Pulling away, she added, “If I haven’t told you in the last hour, I love you. I can’t feel much right now. It’s all a bit numb. But I do know that I love you so, so much”

“I love you too, doll” Sharon said, leaning in and capturing Alaska’s lips in her own, “So much.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alaska explains things to Courtney and Willam.

Alaska and Sharon spent the rest of the week at home, talking and crying, eating and force-feeding, sleeping and laughing. They were exhausted, both mentally and emotionally, from working on their mental states, and in Alaska’s case, her physical health too. Sharon had planned meals and light walks, attempting to maintain a slightly withdrawn approach to helping her girlfriend so that she didn’t find her too overbearing. Alaska put every fibre of her being into following the guidelines her girlfriend had set with her, if not for her own sake then for Sharon’s, determined to not put her through another suicide attempt.

The only rule she had difficulty with was constantly keeping Sharon up to date with her thoughts and feelings. She divulged enough information to satisfy Sharon, though she had yet to admit to the overwhelming guilt she still felt towards her girlfriend and her friends. Something inside of her withheld her from confiding in Sharon, possibly to protect her girlfriend or more than likely, to protect herself.

They had also decided between them that they would complete the school year themselves at home, given that they were due to graduate in a few weeks. Alaska could work from home to complete her near perfect set of grades, while Sharon would keep up with enough work to pass with good enough results. This in turn took a considerable weight from both of their shoulders, and allowed them to rid their minds of unwanted beings.

Sharon was sitting on the kitchen floor working on an art piece she had spread into multiple sheets across the floorboards when Alaska came out from their bedroom early Monday morning.

“What are you doing up so early?” Alaska asked.

“What are you doing awake before ten am?” Sharon retorted.

“I’m going to school.” Alaska said, folding her arms across her chest like a stubborn child.

“You’re doing what?”

“I’m going to school.”

“Why? We called them, we can finish at home. I thought… I… We said…” Sharon said, struggling to understand what was going through her girlfriend’s head.

“I’m going to school. Can I have a ride please?” Alaska repeated, walking into the kitchen and grabbing a banana and chopping it up into a bowl of yogurt.

“Lasky, doll, you gotta catch me up here. What’s going on?” Sharon said, standing up.

“Well Shar, it’s like this. I’ve been scared my whole life. Scared of upsetting people, scared of not being good enough, scared of people not liking me. So I’ve decided I’m done. I’m not being scared anymore. I’m going to go to my last three weeks of highschool, graduate, and then I’m going to get a job. And then of course I’ll marry you. And no one is going to stop me.” Alaska announced, finishing a spoon of her breakfast with a pop.

“You’re sure this is what you want?” Sharon asked sceptically.

“Positive. So can I get a ride?” Alaska asked, batting her eyelids, “We need to be there in thirty minutes”

“Of course you can doll, but one more thing?”

“Mmm?”

“As much as I find the look of you in nothing but underwear and a half open flannel shirt very hot, I don’t really think they’ll let you into class.” Sharon winked, walking into their bedroom to get dressed.

Alaska looked down at her outfit and rolled her eyes. Finishing the last bite of her banana, she breathed deeply, pushing down the burning pit of worry in her stomach that despite her heroic speech, was still there, and followed her girlfriend into their bedroom to at least add a pair of jeans to her outfit.

 

When they pulled up in front of the school, all of the courage drained from Alaska’s mind and noticeably, from her paling face.

“Doll, we can go home.” Sharon said, worried that school might be too much pressure to put on her girlfriend for the time being.

“No.” Alaska said firmly, fighting every instinct that was screaming at her to go home to the safety of her bedroom. She breathed deeply, turning and reaching for her girlfriend’s hand.

Sharon smiled, and pulled Alaska into a quick kiss, wrapping her arm around her girlfriend’s waist, and walking up the steps to their first classes.

Alaska’s breathing quickened as she approached the door of her maths class. Neither Sharon, Courtney nor Willam were in any of her classes until after lunch, which meant she would have to be alone for hours on end for the first time in over a week after heavily relying on her girlfriend’s constant presence.

“I can do it.” she whispered, mainly to herself, but to assure her girlfriend at the same time. The corners of Sharon’s mouth turned up into a smile.

“I love you. I’m here, just text me if you need me” Sharon said, kissing her girlfriend’s lips softly once more.

“Meet me at lunch?”

“I’ll be at the bleachers”

“Ok”

Alaska made one final attempt to slow her shaky breathing before pushing open the door of her classroom, leaving her girlfriend behind for the next few classes.

There was one challenge Alaska had yet to tackle. Willam and Courtney. Obviously, they both knew that something was wrong with their best friend, although she had managed to keep them at bay until Friday afternoon with a cocktail of lies and excuses. However, she had received a somewhat threatening text from Willam that morning, along the lines of killing her if she couldn’t take Courtney to see her after school as she was worried sick. Naturally, Alaska obliged, hating the fact that she had upset Willam and worried Courtney. She speculated however, that soon enough they would discover that not only was Sharon in school, but that she was there with her. Her bestfriends knew her better than to think that Sharon would be in school without Alaska by her side.

So Alaska spent every class not paying any attention to her teachers, but instead running through a variety of ways in which she could phrase what had happened to her to Willam and Courtney that would downsize the whole event. Unfortunately for her, “I tried to kill myself”, isn’t a particularly easy phrase to sugar-coat. This didn’t help the fact that she was a ball of anxiety and stress just being back in the school building or the horrible sickening feeling she felt deep in her stomach that accompanied her worry. She fought every desire she had that morning to text Sharon to take her home, even if it meant taking multiple bathroom breaks to calm herself down. Alaska forced herself to fight her own dark thoughts, adamant that she would at least try to take back some control over her own life.

Finally, the bell rang for lunch, waking Alaska from her thoughts as she hurriedly threw her books into her bag, running to meet Sharon by the bleachers. She silently prayed to some unknown god that she wouldn’t run into her two best friends or any cheerleaders for that matter.

Thankfully, she made it outside quickly enough that she didn’t run into anyone she knew well, and Raja didn’t appear to have found out that Sharon was back in school either, so they could eat alone.

Sharon stubbed her cigarette out on the ground as she saw her girlfriend approaching and Alaska practically threw herself into her arms, in a mixture of relief and a deep need for comfort. Sharon stroking her blonde hair and kissed the side of her neck softly.

“You did it, doll”

“Not really. I left three classes to go to the bathroom. Plus I don’t think I heard a word of what any teacher or anyone else for that matter, said today.”

“But you got out of bed. And you got dressed, though I really did like the original outfit, and you ate breakfast. And you went to school, and classes. And I.. am.. really.. fucking.. proud.. of.. you..” Sharon said, punctuating her words with kisses pressed onto her girlfriend’s neck and jaw.

Alaska smiled, and practically melted into her touch, humming gently. Somehow, no matter where they were, Sharon always managed to make her feel safe.

About half way through their lunch together, they were interrupted by shouting from the opposite side of the football field.

“Alaska? Alaska, you’re here!” Courtney called anxiously from across the field, breaking into a run.

Alaska froze. She had no excuses prepared. She didn’t know what she was going to say to her. Fuck it, she thought, pull yourself together and just tell them. It’s your own fault.

She pulled herself from Sharon’s arms and turned towards her best friend.

“Oh my god Lasky, you’re ok. You look ok.” Courtney exclaimed, throwing her arms around the taller girl’s shoulders.

“I’m ok” Alaska whispered into her perfectly curled hair.

Willam strolled up behind her, leaning against the wall beside Sharon. Noticing her best friends usually energetic demeanor becoming very subdued, Alaska walked over to Willam, sliding down against the wall to sit with her knees pulled to her chest. Courtney followed and sat down beside Alaska, holding her hand tightly.

Alaska felt trapped and frightened.

“Lasky, what happened?” Willam asked seriously.

Courtney slowly rubbed circles on her friend’s hand for a minute, then whispered, “We just want to help you Lasky. To make sure you’re ok.” she paused momentarily, “Are you ok?” she asked, looking up at Alaska’s eyes.

Alaska breathed in heavily, seemingly contemplating whether she would have a civilized, adult conversation, or run away and hide until her girlfriend came to protect her.

Say it Alaska. Just tell them. Stop lying, stop hiding. For once in your pathetic life, do something brave. They’re asking for the truth, tell them.

“I tried to kill myself”, she exhaled slowly.

Tears silently began to roll down Courtney’s cheeks as her shoulders slumped forward, pulling Alaska hand into her chest, clinging to it for dear life.

Willam shook her head repeatedly, before speaking up, “No. Not you, Alaska. Of all people, not you Alaska. Not you. No” she announced firmly.

“I am so, so sorry” Alaska said, looking up at her two friends, “I never meant to hurt you”

“Alaska, baby, don’t apologize. None of this is your fault. None of it. I’m just so glad your alive.” Courtney said through her tears.

“Sharon told me about what you did for me Bill” Alaska said, reaching out for Willam’s hand to squeeze it, “thank you”. Willam slid down to join the other two blondes on the ground.

“But what happened Alaska. If we scared them as badly as I know we did, what happened?” she responded, perplexed.

“That afternoon, after I left with Sharon, I went… back in to get my purse. I found the note. And some rope, and a shower.” She put bluntly.

“That fucking note” Willam muttered angrily.

Courtney simply listened, intertwining the story Willam had told her from last week with Alaska’s.

“I’m really sorry I worried you. And I’m sorry I hurt you, and that I’m so difficult and…”

“Stop.”

All three girls turned and looked up at Sharon, who blew smoke from yet another cigarette from her mouth.

“Please don’t apologize Lasky, you don’t need to.” Sharon said firmly.

“I agree” Willam said.

“Me too” Courtney seconded, squeezing her best friend’s hand once again.

“Ok” Alaska whispered.

“How are you really though, now?” Willam asked.

“Not good. But I’m working on it” Alaska answered.

“We’re proud of you, Lasky, and anything you need, we’re here.” Courtney said.

“Thank you”

Sharon expertly manged to steer the conversation back to light-hearted and mundane topics, sensing how uncomfortable Alaska was. Willam did the same, understanding how upset Courtney was because of how little she talked for the rest of their lunch break. Both Courtney and Alaska stayed relatively quiet, still squished up beside each other with their hands locked together while their girlfriends chatted easily. It was a comfortable silence caused by the overwhelming and indescribable emotions they both felt towards one another. They knew each other well enough to understand that when they had processed things a little more themselves, that they would be able to have a proper discussion in a day or two.

All three cheerleaders hugged each other in turn when the bell rang for the end of lunch, and Alaska watched as her friends headed to class arm in arm. Turning to look at Sharon with glassy eyes, she whispered, “I want to go home.”

Sharon nodded wordlessly, taking her girlfriends hand in her own, leading her out back to her motorcycle. She didn’t need an explanation to understand that Alaska needed the comfort of their cosy apartment.

 

Courtney had stayed silent the entire car journey back to Willam’s after school. Her girlfriend didn’t attempt to interrupt her thoughts until they were upstairs sitting on her bed. Courtney curled up in a small, tight ball and put her head between her knees as her shoulders began to wrack with sobs.

“Oh babe.” Willam sighed, pulling her girlfriend into her lap.

“She… she … wanted… to die. Why… didn’t I… see it?” she cried brokenly.

“Oh Court, you couldn’t have known. You can’t blame yourself. You blaming yourself is like Alaska blaming herself, and you would never let her do that, would you?”

“That’s… that’s different”

“No Courtney, it’s not babe. And blaming yourself isn’t going to help you or Alaska.” Willam said, running her hands up and down her girlfriends back.

“And anyway, if there’s a person to blame, it’s me. I was there for all that bullshit about the note. If I had been smart enough to just take the fucking note from her locker, Alaska would have been fine”

“Bill, no. What you did that day was incredible. You did something that could have gotten you expelled, or even in trouble with the police, without even thinking about the personal consequences it could have had. You… you are incredible. And I think.. I think that Alaska didn’t just try and take her own life because of that note, Bill. I think she’s really ill. There had to be more to it than an awful note. Suicide isn’t a spur of the moment decision. That note might have been the final trigger, but it wasn’t the original catalyst for Alaska’s mind being so embedded in darkness and depression that she tried to kill herself” Courtney said sincerely, staring into her girlfriends eyes, “so maybe neither of us can take the blame, ok?”

“Maybe not.” Willam accepted.

Courtney curled back into a ball, wrapping her arms around her girlfriend and resting her head on her shoulder.

“I love you” Willam said, after a few minutes, smiling softly to herself

“You… you what?” Courtney asked, taken aback, lifting her head to look at her girlfriend.

“I love you. Plain and simple, Court. You’re so incredibly loving. And smart, and kind and you’re so pretty. And I love you”

“I.. I love you too.” Courtney replied, kissing her girlfriend gently, but filled with so much passion that Willam was certain that Courtney meant what she said.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alaska has a bad day and things aren't good.

Alaska attended school as much as she possibly could over the rest of the week, which usually meant that she and Sharon left at lunch every day. Staying in school any longer always felt futile to Alaska, because concentrating on anything the teachers or anyone else had to say, was impossible. The paranoia of thinking that Alyssa would hurt her again was almost as overwhelming as the anxiety and depressive thoughts she had. Despite her best efforts, she failed to convince herself that she had a purpose to stay alive. The nagging voice in her mind was consistent, and never shut up long enough for her to be able to enjoy a meal, or to feel happy for any length of time. By Friday morning, she had had enough of forcing herself into school. Alaska hadn’t slept at all the night before, but she was glad Sharon had. Sharon was her one purpose for living at the moment, as living for herself seemed like a distant idealistic reality that she would never quite grasp.

By seven o’clock the next morning, Alaska was done. Stewing in her dark thoughts all night had left her in a deep depressive pit of self-loathing and worthlessness. Feeling an intense need to escape, Alaska left the house, shrugging a large hoodie over her head and pulling the front door of their apartment behind her. Walking had become her one release outside of talking to her girlfriend, and it usually helped her to clear her mind, however Alaska’s head was so full of horrible thoughts, walking further and further from her house wasn’t having any effect.

Running away from your home isn’t going to give you the release you need, Alaska. You know that. The only escape you will ever truly get is death. Dying will relieve your pain, and you know it. Alaska allowed her head to run rampant as she walked down road after road around her apartment. Her thoughts hadn’t been this consistently dark since she had last tried to kill herself.

Back at their home, Sharon had woken up and immediately noticed her absent girlfriend. She rationalized with herself that Alaska had probably just gone for a walk to clear her head, as she often did, although she usually told Sharon before she left. Deciding that she would be unable to calm her nerves, she threw on some clothes and left the apartment in search of her girlfriend, knowing all too well that she was probably being over-bearing and over-protective, but it was all she could do to rid her own mind of worrying thoughts. The last week had been by no means easy for Sharon to watch her girlfriend living in constant mental turmoil, but they were making progress slowly but surely, or so she thought.

Just as Sharon was about to close the front door of the apartment block, she felt a pair of cold hands by her hips from behind her.

“Can we talk upstairs?” Alaska whispered.

“Sure baby” Sharon responded taking her girlfriends hand in her own and walking back up the stairs.

As soon as they were back in the door, Sharon made a cup of coffee for herself and a cup of camomile tea for her girlfriend. Alaska had wrapped herself tightly in a blanket on the armchair in their little sitting room. Sharon also opted to make some toast in the hopes that Alaska would have some with her tea. As Sharon placed the plate of toast by the warm mugs on the small coffee table, she noticed the tears streaming steadily down Alaska’s pale cheeks.

“Whoa, whoa, baby, what’s wrong?” she asked softly, but with an undeniable note of panic in her voice. She crouched down in front of her girlfriend, bringing her hands up to cup Alaska’s face as her fingers wiped hot tears from her cheeks.

“I… I need to tell you something that I don’t want to tell you.” Alaska replied, almost inaudibly.

“You can tell me anything baby, you know that. No matter what it is” Sharon said calmly.

“I know, it’s just, I really don’t want to tell you. Because then it’s real.”

“What’s real, honey?” Sharon asked, prompting her girlfriend to let her understand whatever was going through her head.

“Can you maybe sit down?”

“Sure honey, is on the couch ok?”

Alaska nodded, and Sharon moved back cautiously to sit on the couch across from her girlfriend.

“I… I…” Alaska started, willing herself to spit out what she had to say. “I wanted to try and take my life again today” she whispered, as the tears falling from her eyes began to blur her vision slightly.

Sharon took a sharp intake of breath and forced herself with every fibre of her being to stay where Alaska had asked her to sit and let her finish talking, while her own eyes filled with tears that threatened to spill at any moment.

“I know I haven’t been good all week, but last night… and this morning… it was bad. Worse than all week. I don’t know what to do Shar, I don’t want to live. But I want to want life so badly” Alaska stared at the ground, hanging her head and letting the tears soak her face.

Sharon moved quickly over to scoop Alaska into her arms, unable to stay put on the couch any longer. She allowed her own tears to fall as she rocked her girlfriend in her arms slowly. They stayed like that for a while, letting themselves cry. Neither girl knew what to say or do in their situation, other than to cling to each other for dear life. It was all they had left.

Settling down after some time, Sharon reached over and handed Alaska her tea as she took a mouthful of her own coffee. Alaska stayed curled in her girlfriends’ lap as they sipped their drinks quietly in the odd serenity that sets in post crying.

“I think I need to go to see Michelle” Alaska eventually piped up.

Sharon took a moment to figure out who Michelle was in her head before it clicked. The doctor.

“I think that’s incredibly strong of you, Lasky. I’ll call and see if we can go later, ok?”

Alaska nodded and rested her head gently on her girlfriend’s shoulder.

Alaska was visibly shaking in Sharon’s arms as they sat in the waiting room at the hospital that afternoon. Her girlfriend kept their hands tightly linked while they waited for a nurse to come and get them. It had been an easy appointment for Sharon to organise once she had mentioned to Michelle that Alaska had gotten worse since she last saw her. Understanding the severity of the situation Doctor Visage had asked her to come in that evening. While the idea of revisiting the hospital terrified Alaska beyond belief, she couldn’t see any other way forward. She wanted very badly to die. That was the bottom line, she needed help. She had run out of options.

“Miss Alaska?”

Sharon and Alaska both turned their heads, following the voice. Sharon felt immediately a little better recognising the nurse as Ivy, hoping another familiar face would help her girlfriend feel more comfortable. Both girls stood up and followed Ivy into a large room with a bed and a pristinely neat desk surrounded by three chairs.

“Please, sit. Wherever you like” Ivy said sweetly, “I’ll let Doctor Visage know you’re here.”

“Thank you, Ivy” Sharon said, sitting down in one of the two chairs by the side of the desk.

“Three words, babe?” Sharon asked, gently pulling Alaska to sit beside her. She immediately curled into her girlfriend’s side.

“Scared. Sad. Cold.” Alaska answered monotonously.

Sharon frowned and kissed her girlfriend’s forehead, “We’ll get you better baby, I promise you.”

The door opened behind them, and Michelle walked in swiftly, her dark hair pulled back into a tight bun. She looked tired, yet she smiled kindly at the girls when she sat down opposite them at the desk,

“Hello Alaska, Sharon. I’m glad you came to see me.”

“Thank you for seeing me” Alaska said quietly, “I know you must be busy”

“Busy, yes, but I’m thankful you came to see me, Alaska. I know you aren’t the biggest fan of hospitals” Michelle said, smiling softly.

The blonde girl didn’t answer, she merely shifted closer to her girlfriend. It didn’t bother Michelle in the slightest that Alaska didn’t feel up to talking. From what Sharon had told her, it was a miracle in itself that she was sitting in front of her.

“So, Alaska, Sharon has told me a little bit about what has happened over the last week, but not too much. Would you feel comfortable elaborating on the information I have already?”

Alaska turned her head and her eyes met Sharon’s, who had stayed silent since Michelle had come in to the room.

“How much did you tell?” she asked softly, tears already beginning to brim at the corners of her eyes at the prospect of having to relive the past week’s events out loud, rather than running them through her head for the millionth time.

“You’re ok, babe” Sharon said, trying to comfort her. “I told her that your depression is the lowest point that I’ve ever seen, and that you need help. And I told her that you tried to take your own life, and that you maybe still want to” she said quietly.

Sharon could see how vulnerable, embarrassed and dejected her girlfriend felt just by looking into her eyes. She knew without asking that Alaska felt miserable, and like she was a burden, not only to her, but to the doctor whose job it was to help her. She could also tell that Alaska was lost in an ocean of her own dark, self-deprecating thoughts.

“You’re ok, doll. I promise you.”

Alaska somehow curled in even closer to her girlfriend, wanting to hide herself in the comfort of Sharon’s arms.

“Alaska, honey, I know it isn’t easy, but could you tell me about when you tried to commit suicide?”

Alaska took a deep breath, and squeezed her eyes tightly shut before she began talking.

“I don’t feel like myself. I’m not me. I’m a dark, miserable version of what used to be me. And I’ve been like that for a while. When I saw you last time, I think that was around the beginning of a fast-moving downward spiral, and I couldn’t stop it. I’m so sorry, I really tried to stop it.” She paused, still keeping her eyes shut, she allowed herself to catch her breath. Neither Michelle or Sharon said anything.

“That day, my head was dark. I didn’t want to eat, or talk or move, but I did. It was like I was in a dark cloud. And then I found Sharon. She was upset, and it was my fault.”

At hearing this Sharon took a sharp intake of breath.

“So when I found her, it was like my dark bubble burst, and it was all just dark. And when I went back to get my purse from my locker, I found this note. I was weak, and I listened to it, but it made it so easy to listen. So I did.” Again, Alaska paused. It made her mind hurt to recount the dark spiral that had been the last few weeks of her life.

“Alaska, could you tell me about this note?” Michelle asked, cautiously.

Alaska opened her eyes when she heard her voice, as it pulled her out of her mind and back into the room.

“Dear Alaska, I don’t know what it is exactly about you that makes your existence so worthless. Maybe it’s because you’re a disgusting dyke. Maybe it’s because you’re mentally incompetent, evident from whatever ugly anorexic disease you have. Or maybe it’s because you’re unlovable. Probably all three. The world would be better off without you here, making everyone else’s lives miserable. I don’t know how fucking Needles can stand to be around you. Go kill yourself, will you? Do us all a favour and die. There’s rope in the store cupboard,” she recited perfectly.

“Lasky, how do you know that baby?” Sharon asked, astounded.

“I don’t know. It stayed in my head.” Alaska said, as tears began to roll silently down her face.

Michelle didn’t know what to say for a moment, shocked by the amount of pain she realised the young girl held in her mind. She watched Alaska curled into her girlfriends’ side with her head buried in Sharon’s shoulder.

“Alaska, have you told anyone about the person that wrote that note?”

“No. Sharon took care of it. I don’t want anything else.”

“Are you sure? What they have done, honey, is punishable by law”

“I’m sure. I’m nearly done in that place anyway.” Alaska said adamantly, her eyes meeting Michelle’s for the first time.

“Ok.” she accepted, taking a moment to consider the next step to take. “I assume, Alaska, that when you tried to take your life, you tried to hang yourself?”

Alaska nodded.

“Did you see another doctor afterwards? I only ask because there could be residual damage.”

Alaska didn’t want to talk anymore. She needed a break. It was too much, and she was letting the dark voices run rampant in her head.

Sharon, being Sharon, could automatically understand that Alaska needed to stop for a moment, and took her chance to help her girlfriend. “Lasky, is it ok if I answer the questions for a little bit?”

Alaska nodded gratefully into Sharon’s shoulder.

“Alaska didn’t see a doctor afterwards. I know I should have brought her, but at the time it wasn’t really an option. When I found her, I had two of our friends with us, and Raja has dealt with suicide in the past in her family, so she made sure there was no immediate emergencies and that she didn’t need to be brought to the hospital right then. I think we found her quick enough.”

Michelle nodded along, beginning to understand the full picture. The strength of the couples’ relationship never ceased to amaze her. The intuition and the connection they shared, was what she believed kept them both alive.

“Alaska?” Michelle asked softly.

Alaska looked back up and met the doctor’s eyes. 

“Could I take a look at your throat? I think it’s necessary for a doctor to make sure that there is no lasting injury there.”

Alaska grimaced at the idea. “I’ll be right here, baby” Sharon said, “You’ll be ok. We’ll get you better”

“If you come sit here on the bed, honey, I’ll have it done in a minute, tops, I promise.”

Alaska slowly stood up and moved over to the bed. Michelle followed her and asked her to open her mouth, as she shone a light down to make sure there were no internal marks. Sharon stayed where she was, eyes glued to Alaska’s looking for any signs of panic.

“I’m going to put my hands on your throat and neck now, Alaska. You let me know if you need me to stop.”

Sharon noticed the rise of panic in Alaska and quickly moved over to sit beside her. She took Alaska’s hand in her own. “Alaska, come out of your head honey. You’re here, with me, ok? Focus on my voice.” Alaska nodded and shut her eyes, focusing on her girlfriend’s voice.

Sharon nodded at Michelle, who moved forward, placing her hands delicately on Alaska’s neck.

“Lasky, I was thinking the other day about our trip” Sharon began, squeezing her girlfriend’s hand, “When it’s just the two of us up in the mountains, swimming in the lake and lying in the sun. Think about the hot cocoa in the evenings wrapped up by the fire. You can read all day long, and I can paint. We can go for walks in the woods, and listen to music, and I promise I might even dance with you”

Alaska smiled ever so slightly at the idea of Sharon dancing with her. Sharon hated dancing. Michelle gently pressed her hands along every inch of Alaska’s neck, working her way around from the back of her neck, nearly reaching the front.

“And we can even let Willam and Courtney come visit, or Raven and Raja. Whatever you like. It’ll be only people we love. And we’ll be living, Lasky. Both of us. No more surviving, just living.”

“We’re done, Alaska” Michelle interrupted, smiling. Alaska opened her eyes and leaned in to kiss Sharon softly.

“Thank you” she whispered into Sharon’s lips.

“I can’t find anything too serious with your neck, other than the external bruising, and as for mentally, honey, I’m not going to tell you that it’ll be an easy journey, but you’ll get there. I can give you a prescription for some medication that will help with the depression. I also think that if you would be comfortable with seeing a therapist, it would be a huge help. I have to ask you though, Alaska, and I need you to answer me one hundred percent honestly. Are you in danger of hurting and or trying to kill yourself again?”

“I want to die.” Alaska said firmly, “But I’m not going to kill myself. I’m tired, but I’m not giving up anymore. I’m going to get better.” Michelle and Sharon both smiled slightly at her answer.

“Usually, Alaska, and I’m not going to lie to you here, someone in your situation I would send them into inpatient care.”

At hearing this, both Sharon and Alaska’s eyes widened in fear.

“Relax, it’s ok. I’m not going to. I think personally for you it’s not going to help. The relationship you both have is incredibly strong, and I think it’s keeping you both alive. However, I need a promise from both of you before I can let you go, that if any time you are about to hurt yourself, or Sharon, if you think Alaska is in danger, you come here. Is that clear?”

“I promise, we’ll be here” Sharon said.

“Alaska?”

“I promise”

“I’ll write you a prescription for some medication, and a recommendation for a therapist. Don’t worry about getting back into school. It’s not a priority. You need to make sure you’re ok. Take the time you need, and please come back to me in a few weeks, regardless of what happens.”

“Thank you so much” Alaska said softly.

“No problem, honey. And you mind yourself. You too, Sharon”

At home that night, after a long evening of cuddling, Sharon was painting on the living room floor while Alaska lay behind her with a book on the couch.

“Shar?” Alaska piped up, putting her book down beside her.

“Yeah, babe?”

“Let’s go to the mountains” Alaska said, sitting up and wrapping her arms around Sharon’s shoulders from behind.

“We will, doll, it’s nearly summer”

“No, let’s go now. Tomorrow.”

Sharon put down her paintbrush and turned to look at Alaska.

“Are you ok, babe?”

“I think for the first time in a long time, I might be starting to be” Alaska said, grinning.

“You know we have to find out where we’re staying, and plan, and bring food and stuff?”

“I know. I’ll do it now. Please can we go tomorrow?”

Sharon thought for a second before pulling Alaska softly down on top of her, kissing her passionately.

“Let’s go” she said.

Alaska just giggled loudly and kissed her back triumphantly.


	14. Chapter 14

What started with a triumphant kiss quickly escalated to a tangled mess of hair, mouths and limbs. Alaska craved the feeling of love that she so desperately needed, and Sharon held onto her girlfriend for the feeling of sheer closeness. Slowly but surely clothes were dispersed across the living room as the two moved towards the bedroom, where they ended in an intertwined bunch of soft skin and swollen lips. Alaska was spread messily on top of her girlfriend who kissed her forehead while brushing the tangled blonde strands from her rosy cheeks.

“I love you” Alaska mumbled.

“I know.” Sharon answered, smiling.

“And?” Alaska prompted, turning her gaze towards Sharon’s eyes.

“And I think that’s great” she answered, smiling wider.

“It is. And...?”

“And I can understand why you love me, so that’s good too”

“I hate you” Alaska moaned, catching onto the fact that Sharon was teasing her.

“I love you, too” Sharon said, laughing.

Below her Alaska yawned, winding herself tighter around her girlfriend’s body.

“Hang on, Lasky, don’t fall asleep yet.” Sharon said, shifting slightly.

“Mmm… want to” she mumbled, sleepily.

“Doll, you know you’ll regret it in the morning when we wake up gross and sweaty. Plus according to you we have a big trip to plan by tomorrow afternoon.”

“Don’t wanna shower”

“Fine then, no shower. A bath”

“Mmm ok” Sharon began moving, attempting to slide Alaska off of her body.

“No, don’t move” Alaska grumbled.

“Baby,” Sharon smiled, “I need to move if I’m going to run a bath”

Alaska whined like a two year old, but slowly rolled herself over, allowing Sharon to escape.

She ran a warm bath and filled it with the bubble bath mixture that her girlfriend loved. She smiled to herself in a slight daze, still feeling Alaska’s warm hands all over her body, as she went back into the bedroom and gently lifted her girlfriend into her arms. She gently lowered Alaska into the bath, who had become a little more responsive as she placed her legs down herself. Sharon climbed in behind her and Alaska immediately leaned back into her touch. Their hands intertwined as they breathed each other in, soaking in the presence of simply being warm and at peace together. The ineffable bond between them evident in their affectionate body language.

Alaska ran her nails lightly up and down one of Sharon's forearms, gliding across the faint marks embedded in her skin.

"Shar, can I ask you something?" Alaska asked quietly.

"Of course you can, sweet pea" Sharon hummed with her eyes closed.

"Do you ever think about doing it again?"

"Doing what, doll?"

"Hurting yourself? It's just that, I know you stopped when we met. But we don't talk about it anymore. And maybe you feel bad, or confused or..." she trailed off nervously.

Behind her Sharon kept her eyes closed and kept her body language relaxed.

"It's ok, baby. You don't have to be nervous asking me" she said, "and the answer is that yes, I've thought about it. I think I always will. It was an ingrained coping mechanism that I can't erase from my mind, like an addiction. But I won't go back there. I have you. You're my coping mechanism."

They were both silent for a moment, remembering how bad Sharon had been when they met. She had been harming herself for over a year, and it took a lot for her to stop. If anyone were to ever ask her how she managed to stop, she would credit it fully to her girlfriend, who endured sleepless nights of tears and talking and removing bloody objects and holding her while she cried herself to sleep.

Alaska carefully lifted her girlfriends' arm to her lips and pressed light kisses across her marked wrists and up her forearm, before placing it back around her waist, and tucking her head under Sharon's chin.

Sharon opened her eyes and kissed the top of Alaska's hair, "thank you, baby," she whispered.

"I'll love you forever" Alaska replied simply.

"I think I'll love you longer"

 

The following morning Alaska sat cross-legged on their bed, her phone to her ear and Sharon's laptop in front of her. She was on her third call to a woman who owned a cabin for rent in the mountains and she was finally getting somewhere. The woman, Delilah, or Dela as she told Alaska to call her, was lovely and cheerful, and more than happy to rent her cabin out for the summer to the young couple. Alaska explained that they had their hearts set on going up to the mountains that night, if it were at all possible, and Dela was overjoyed that Alaska had called that morning, because she herself was leaving the country for a month that night, and no-one had rented her summer home, because of it's remote location. It seemed as though the universe was finally working in Alaska's favour, even if she hadn't shut the voices in her head up just yet. There was still a constant darkness nagging in the corner of her mind, but she had convinced herself that getting away to the mountains for a while would help her. She arranged to meet Dela by her home at the foot of the mountain range after lunch to get the keys and to pay the rent.

When Alaska's mother had passed, she had left a large amount of money for her daughter in an account, as well as her old home. Because of legal complications, her step-father managed to keep the house, so Alaska had moved in with Sharon, as couldn't stand to live alone with him. Between the two of them working, they had always been able to pay the rent of their small apartment without using the money her mother left her, but Alaska figured that now was a good time to use some of it to pay for their summer trip.

After hanging up with Dela, Alaska called their school to explain that due to medical and personal reasons, she wouldn't be returning, and neither will her girlfriend.

Sharon walked into the room with a tray piled high with pancakes and two mugs, one of coffee and one of tea, with Alaska's medication lying by the cup of tea. She placed it all carefully on the foot of the bed and climbed in, kneeling beside Alaska, who was still talking to the school secretary.

Sharon started placing soft, wet kisses along her girlfriends' bare shoulders and neck.

"Excuse me for just one second" Alaska said, muting her phone and turning to face Sharon.

"If you don't stop, we'll have to go to school"

"Maybe if you unmute your phone, we can let them hear why we're busy" Sharon smirked.

"You're gross" Alaska giggled, and pushed Sharon back against her pillows.

"Sorry about that, there was... a distraction" she said, taking her phone off mute to finish her conversation with the secretary. Behind her Sharon laughed loudly, before grabbing her cup of coffee and leaning back against the headboard, decidedly waiting for Alaska to finish on the phone before eating their breakfast.

Eventually she hung up the call and turned to Sharon, "Thanks for all your help" she said, sarcastically.

"My pleasure" she answered, leaning in to kiss the pout off her girlfriend's lips. 

Alaska reciprocated the move, and then grabbed her cup of herbal tea and blowing on the top of it to cool it down.

She gingerly picked up the two pills, contrastingly large and obnoxiously red against her soft hands.

"I wish I didn't need these. " she said quietly, before putting them in her mouth and swallowing them with a hard gulp of tea, grateful the pain in her throat from last week had greatly subsided.

"I know doll, but it's nothing to be ashamed of. In this instance, they're good." Sharon said, while she placed two pancakes from the large stack on a plate for her girlfriend and three for herself, "How are you feeling today?" she asked, handing the plate to Alaska.

"Not so awful. I guess a bit numb. But I have more hope, I think" Alaska said, staring down at the plate in her lap, willing her mind to allow her to eat comfortably, pushing herself to take a bite.

"How are you feeling?" She asked her girlfriend, shifting the conversation topic from herself to Sharon.

"I won't lie to you Lasky, I'm pretty angry still" she said nonchalantly, taking another forkful of her pancakes.

"I'm sorry. I never meant to make you angry." Sharon's answer had sent her mind into an immediate state of self-deprecation and anxiety.

"No, no, no! Baby, not towards you. Towards those evil monsters that wrote that note. They're getting away with it without any consequences, except maybe a bruise or two."

"Oh" Alaska said, still staring at her plate of food.

"Talk to me, Lasky, what's going on?"

"I'm sorry. Don't tell me not to be. I am. I just can't go to the police. I know it's my fault, but I just can't"

"It's not your fault, Alaska. It isn't. I'm sorry I said I was angry." Sharon said, her voice laced with frustration.

"It is Sharon. You can't apologise, you've done nothing wrong. At all" Alaska's voice was getting quieter and quieter as the voices in her head got louder.

"Alaska, you need to stop this!" Sharon yelled.

She instantly regretted raising her voice and losing her temper. She doesn't yell at Alaska. Of course they had had arguments in the past, but they ended in one or other of them leaving the room or making snappy comments. She just doesn't yell.

Alaska looked visibly nauseated at this point, her eyes still fixated on her food. After Sharon yelled, she zoned out, and went inside her own head, not that the voices in there were any better, they just weren't shouting.

"Baby, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that. I shouldn't yell. We can't be arguing about this. You're ok, babe, I'm ok. We're good."

"It's ok." Alaska whispered, "I just gotta..." she murmured, trailing off as she stood up and ran from the room and into the bathroom where the contents of her stomach emptied themselves into the toilet.

Sharon chased after her, slowing when she saw her girlfriend on her knees. She sat down beside her and pulled her hair carefully from her face and placed a cold hand to her forehead. Alaska coughed once more and moved to lean back against the side of the bath.

"Baby, what just happened? Are you sick?"

"I... I think I just got too anxious about eating. I worked myself up"

"I worked you up, Lasky. I shouldn't have yelled, I'm sorry. Are you feeling alright now?"

"I think so. I just need to eat. Help me up?" She said, reaching her hands out.

"I really am sorry, honey" Sharon said, pulling her girlfriend into a quick hug.

"I know. Don't worry, we're ok. Let's try breakfast again."

Later that day, Alaska had successfully, albeit slowly, managed to eat breakfast and lunch. They had stayed cuddled up in bed for a while after breakfast, assuring each other that they were both alright. Following that they had packed up multiple bags with clothes and other various things they might need for the summer, managing to fit most of them on Sharon's motorbike, and one big bag on Alaska's back.

They locked up their apartment and left for the mountains. After two hours they arrived at the address Dela had given Alaska earlier. The house was small and colourful with flowers growing in every corner, as well as from window boxes at the front of the house.

Dela had obviously heard the sound of the motorcycle outside, and she bounced merrily out the front door to greet them.

"Hello, my treasures, oh my goodness, it's so lovely to meet you!" Dela exclaimed, rushing forward to embrace Alaska.

"You must be Alaska, my goodness you're precious!"

"Hi Dela, it's so nice to meet you!" she answered, hugging the cheery woman back. "And this must be your girlfriend, how are you darling, what's your name?" she asked, hugging Sharon next.

"Hi, Delilah, is it? I'm Sharon" she replied, slightly shocked by the amount of energy the woman before her had.

"Oh please, honey, call me Dela. It's so lovely to meet you, two such darling young women. Won't you come inside for a meal?"

"That's alright Dela, really. We've just eaten." Sharon said, smiling.

"Alright, my love. You'll have a drink though, won't you? Tea, coffee, lemonade?" 

She said, pulling the two girls forward and into her house, that was just as floral and colourful as the outside, and very like Dela herself.

"Maybe some tea, please?" Alaska inquired, her mood already being lifted by Dela's jolly spirit. She reminded her a bit of her own mother.

"Of course, of course, I have a delicious berry tea at the moment that you will just love. And for you, Sharon, honey?"

"I'd love a cup of coffee, if it's not too much trouble"

"Of course not!" She said, ushering them into her sitting room, and rushing out to make their drinks. Alaska sat down beside her girlfriend, who took her hand in her own and rubbed slow, soothing circles on her palm.

"You know, Shar, she reminds me of my mom" Alaska said thoughtfully, leaning her head on Sharon's shoulder.

"She does? Do you wanna tell me more about her?"

"She was like Dela, because she was always so happy, always wanting to take care of people. Plus she had a dress just like Dela's, red with small cream flowers. And she loved everyone. She would have loved you."

"You really think so?" Sharon asked quietly.

"I'm positive." Sharon turned her head slightly to kiss Alaska's cheek lovingly, just as Dela returned with mugs of tea and coffee.

"Oh my goodness, young love!" she sighed happily, sitting down opposite the two. Alaska blushed heavily reaching forward to hand Sharon her coffee and to take her own tea.

"So tell me, you're off to the mountains for a while. Is university off for the summer already?" Dela asked.

"We're actually still in highschool, but we're taking an early graduation" Sharon replied.

"Oh that's lovely. My parents would never have allowed me to do such an adventurous thing when I was your age. They must be brilliant people." she gushed.

Both Sharon and Alaska looked a little awkward, not too sure how to respond, which Dela picked up on immediately.

"I'm sorry, my dears. I'm overstepping. I tend to be a little verbose at times."

"That's ok, Dela, really" Alaska assured. She didn't know what it was about this woman, but she just felt comfortable around her. She felt warm and welcome, just like in her old home. She didn't mind explaining things to her.

"We actually live by ourselves, which is lovely. Maybe soon we'll get a cat! My mum isn't here anymore and I don't really have anyone else." she explained.

"Oh I'm sorry my love" Dela sympathized.

"And I don't have my parents as part of my life at the moment. We like to do our own thing, right Lasky?" she squeezed Alaska's hand.

Alaska nodded, "And this is sort of like a mind-fixing trip. I need it. We do." she continued, "My mental health hasn't been good, and you're really helping us Dela, truly, by letting us use your cabin. It's like therapy and a holiday all in one"

Sharon was surprised by how open her girlfriend was being. She usually kept their private lives private. Alaska had to admit, that she too was a little shocked by how comfortable she felt with the older woman.

"I'm glad I could help, even a little" Dela smiled, "And I think you both seem extremely strong. I'm sure your mother would be proud, Alaska, honey"

Alaska smiled back gratefully, and from there the conversation flowed naturally. They learned that Dela was spending a month of the summer in Paris with her wife, who was an artist working in France on a large project over there. She herself was an author, who specialised in writing plays and worked from home often enough.

The cabin was actually her wife's, but they hadn't used it in years and they were glad that someone else could. Her wife used to use it to go paint in the summer, so she warned them that there could be art supplies in every cupboard. Sharon talked a bit about art with her, explaining that she wanted to spend the summer working on her own portfolio. Dela was overjoyed to hear this and couldn't wait to tell her wife.

After an hour or two of chatting, they decided they had better leave, to get into the mountains before dark. Alaska moved to get her purse out to pay Dela the amount that was listed online as the rent price.

She had written the check out earlier, and when she went to hand it to Dela, she refused.

"No, no, my darling. You musn't pay. I'm just glad someone will be using it. You shan't pay. It's my little gift to you, two strong, beautiful souls." she insisted.

Alaska and Sharon wouldn't hear any of it. Eventually they compromised on Dela allowing them to pay for the electricity bills and other utilities. They hugged goodbye outside and promised to visit again later in the summer when she and her wife were home.

Before getting on the motorcycle behind Sharon, Alaska turned once more to Dela, hugging her tightly and whispered in her ear, "I love you. Thank you"

"Oh!" Dela whispered, holding the young girl, "I love you too, sweetheart. Come see me again, and you have my number. And honey, you'll be ok" she said softly.

Alaska pulled away, smiling sadly, mouthing thank you, and sliding onto the motorcycle behind Sharon as they set off up onto the mountain trails. She leaned her head against Sharon's shoulder, and smiled to herself as she let small, silent tears roll down her cheeks. It was the first time in almost a year that Alaska had felt so close to her mother. She felt peace.


	15. Chapter 15

It was dark by the time Sharon and Alaska passed through the small mountain village on their way to Dela’s cabin and the air was gradually getting colder and colder. As Sharon drove further up into the mountains, about two miles outside the small gathering of houses and shops, she made a mental note to return in the morning for food and any necessities they would have inevitably forgotten. Alaska was chilly, but content as she removed her head from her girlfriend’s shoulder to take in the surroundings. The small winding road was outlined by tall trees and a couple of scattered lights that softly illuminated the beautiful scenery. She breathed in the strong scent of pine and crisp air, filling her lungs with a sense of freedom and nature. It was all she could have wished for. 

Upon approaching a divergence in the road, Alaska pointed at a little cottage off the side of the track, that was very much a stand-alone home. There hadn’t been another house for about a mile around them and noting the abundance of flowers growing about the grass she came to the conclusion that this was in fact, Dela’s house.

Swinging their legs off the bike, both girls bent to stretch their legs before Alaska excitedly pulled the keys that they had been given earlier from her pocket and opened the wooden door. She squealed when you turned on the lights at the sight of the stunning little home in front of her. The floors were dark stained wood with soft coloured rugs scattered through the different rooms. A large couch sat by an open fire place, colourful blankets draped along the top of the couch and chairs surrounding it. The small kitchen fit perfectly, the wooden cabinets with floral handles matching the colourful accessories of the other rooms. 

“Baby, do you wanna help me with the.. Oh wow” Sharon said, following her girlfriend into the cabin with a couple of bags.

“It’s perfect!” Alaska danced happily.

“Yeah, I guess it is” Sharon replied, smiling.

“We can be happy here, Shar” Alaska added, sliding her long arms around her girlfriend’s neck and pulling her into a soft, joyful kiss. Sharon reciprocated enthusiastically, letting the bags fall and wrapping her hands under Alaska’s thighs and lifting her into her arms. She stumbled forward to the couch, dropping Alaska carefully and climbing on top of her. Alaska giggled and pulled Sharon closer to her, pressing their bodies together as her girlfriend kissed her forcefully.

“Shar, please, more” Alaska whined softly into her ear as she wrapped her legs around Sharon’s thighs.

Suddenly, her girlfriend hopped up off the couch and made her way back outside, leaving a pouty Alaska behind her.

“What was that for?” she called after her.

“Bags first doll!” Sharon said, smirking at the frown on the blonde girls face as she dragged the rest of their bags into the house, shutting the door behind her.

“Now?” Alaska pouted, reaching forward towards her girlfriend. Sharon dodged her grip, sauntering over to the kitchen to unpack some of the food Dela had kindly given them for the night, knowingly grinning to herself as Alaska followed her grumpily into the kitchen. Sharon knew she was feeling better, which meant she wanted to be with her, to touch her and be held and kissed. She knew if she was made to wait, it would make it all the more enjoyable. And she also loved to wind her up.

“Sharon, we don’t need to unpack just now. We have all summer.” Alaska argued, folding her arms across her chest. 

“Sorry, babe, don’t think this food will last all summer if I don’t unpack it now, and I need to figure out how the heating in this place works” Sharon replied nonchalantly, continuing to stack the fridge with the jam Dela had given them as well as the berries and finding a place for the loaf of bread.

Alaska knew exactly what Sharon was doing. She knew her girlfriend well enough to understand that she was pushing her buttons, attempting to drive her crazy enough that Alaska would become bratty and needy, which she was, but figuring Sharon didn’t deserve the satisfaction. She turned on her heels, grabbing her own bag of clothing and marching upstairs to find their bedroom, which turned out to be a gorgeous room with a big skylight, a simple, large bedframe and a soft, satiny headboard. Sitting down on the comforter, she searched her bag for three specific items in particular, carefully deciding how to claim control back from her girlfriend.

Downstairs Sharon had finished unpacking the food, along with their chargers, her laptop and a few other necessities. She had also located the central heating system and matches for the fire which she had filled with wood from a small box by the fireplace, lighting it in hopes to warm the house a bit. She wondered after some time where exactly Alaska had gotten to, who usually put up a fight with Sharon until she got her way when she was feeling needy. Eventually she gave in to her curiosity and called out for her girlfriend from where she was sitting on the couch with her laptop resting on her legs.

“One minute” Alaska replied sweetly from the bedroom upstairs.

“What are you up to, Lasky?” she called again, this time, receiving no reply.

Alaska looked herself over in the mirror once more before descending the stairs and into the now warm, fire-lit sitting room. Sharon looked up to meet her gaze, mouth dropping wide open.

“Close your mouth, babe. You’ll catch flies” Alaska smiled, resting a hand lightly on her hip.

Sharon simply stared back at her girlfriend, who was wearing a dark burgundy bra and underwear with a garter belt and French stockings to match, all accompanied by a pair of black, strappy heels. For a split second it crossed her mind that her girlfriend had prioritised packing heels over hiking boots, but she wasn’t complaining.  
Alaska’s pale, soft skin perfectly accentuated the deep colour of the lingerie she was wearing, which she figured would successfully help her take control of the sexual tension that had been building between them.

“Alaska, you look like a fucking goddess” Sharon gasped, causing Alaska to momentarily blush. Her girlfriend moved her computer from her lap opening her arms to Alaska, who pecked her quickly on the lips and turned, stalking into the kitchen.

“Lasky? What are you doing?” Sharon asked, following her over to the fridge.

“Sorry, babe, I just want to eat these strawberries before they go bad. They won’t last all summer” she replied sweetly.

“You’re using my words against me”

“I would never” she retorted, challenging her with a grin as she wrapped her soft lips around a strawberry, her eyes fluttering closed in enjoyment.  
Sharon’s eyes traced every movement she made, following the curve of her lips down and across her shoulders, along her waist, hips and down her long, silky legs.

“Alaska. Please put down the strawberry” Sharon said, her voice low and rough. 

Upon hearing the tone of her voice, Alaska’s eyes opened, and her lips curled into a smile as she brought her red, berry stained fingers to her mouth, sucking on them lightly. Her eyes glazed over in sensual lust as she dropped the half-eaten piece of fruit on the counter.

“Good girl. Come here baby”

Alaska’s legs carried her obediently to her girlfriend, who stood on the opposite side of the counter.

“You, are stunning” Sharon whispered, lightly running her hands down her girlfriend’s shoulders and waist, lifting her gently onto the counter top, “this outfit, is phenomenal”, she said, taking Alaska’s face in her hands and kissing her deeply, “you are phenomenal”.

“I.. We… Let’s go to the fire” Alaska suggested, stumbling over her words, surprising herself by how easily her girlfriend could remove her control in the situation and have her completely flustered under the slightest touch.

“Whatever you want, doll” Sharon smirked, lifting her gently by her waist back onto her feet, an idea popping into her head.

“Why don’t you go sit by the fire and remove those pretty stockings of yours, babe. I would hate for them to rip accidentally. I just want to grab something” she winked.

Alaska obliged and sat down on the fluffy rug in front of the warm fire, sliding her heels off quickly, unhooking her red stockings from her garter belt. Though she loved the feeling of having them on, she knew her girlfriend was right, that if they ripped, she would be upset, given that they were a birthday present from Sharon herself. It was the one outfit she had, where in the right frame of mind, she could feel beautiful. Although it had occurred to her that maybe she got that feeling from the way her girlfriend looked at her in the dark lingerie.

When Sharon joined her with a small bowl of strawberries, having removed her own jeans and shoes, left in her black underwear and an oversized Marilyn Manson t-shirt, Alaska had her bare legs stretched out in front of her and was running her fingers through her blonde hair. 

“How is it that I need to put on an expensive lingerie set to look good, and you just look so fucking sexy in an oversized t-shirt?” Alaska mused, eagerly taking a berry from the bowl as Sharon sat down beside her.

“Don’t dare try it doll, you look hot at all times. I just don’t think you always feel it” Sharon answered, taking the strawberry from her hand, “allow me” she said, placing the fruit between Alaska’s lips for her. Alaska took more than she was offered and sucked on Sharon’s fingers through half opened eyes.

“Fuck” Sharon gasped, moving the bowl of strawberries from the mat and pulling her fingers from Alaska’s mouth with a pop. 

“Lie back for me baby” she ordered softly, as her girlfriend complied instantly, laying back on the fluffy surface beneath her, her long blonde locks feathering out around her head.

“I think it’s about time you felt good, don’t you, Lasky?” Sharon breathed against her lips. 

Alaska nodded as she already felt the heat from the fire merging with her own desire, rising to flush her cheeks and chest.

Sharon made slow teasing work of enjoying her girlfriends body. She kissed every inch of her neck, shoulders and chest, eventually removing the lacy bra when it got too much in the way. At some point during the torturously slow movements, Alaska had pulled Sharon’s shirt over her head so that she could touch any part of her within her reach. Eventually they had both stripped of all their clothing as Alaska moaned and squirmed under Sharon’s lips as she came down from her first high of the night, returning the same favour to her girlfriend moments later. Moans mixed with cries and soft touches, that turned into frantic grabbing, holding and kissing. Euphoria set in as they lay, naked save for a light blanket by the burning fire, wrapped tightly in arms and long legs, allowing the sheer blissful aftermath to run its course.

 

Days later, they had settled in nicely to their new routine. Sharon was able to paint, Alaska could read and write to her heart’s content, and they had a vast, peaceful woods full of trails and scenes at their immediate disposal. Most days, living could only be described as heavenly, but not all days could be as perfect as the first. 

Alaska had been taking her new medication for a week at this point, and it had allowed her to remove a large amount of the daily darkness that had previously clouded her brain. However, she knew as well as the next person, that after dealing with everything she had been through, there was no quick-fix. When this reality eventually reared its ugly head, Alaska felt as though everything were going to come crashing down on her. 

It was late afternoon on a Saturday, a week after they had first moved into the cabin and Sharon was in the upstairs studio room, working on some new project, while Alaska sat on a chair in the corner of the room, reading a book and glancing at Sharon’s painting every so often. She didn’t know why she had been feeling a little off all day but by the evening it hit her like a tonne of bricks. Paranoia and anxiety began to run through her head, returning with dark thoughts of worthlessness and fear, and it made her upset. She had been doing so well over the last week, and to feel like her progress was regressing was too much for her to handle.

“Shar, I think I’m going to take a walk” she said abruptly, standing to leave the room.

“If you wait, like, ten minutes I’ll come with you for some company. I just want to finish up this..” 

“No, it’s ok. I’ll go alone. I’m fine, just want a little headspace” she yelled up the stairs from where she was already pulling her shoes on.

“Ok, doll. Don’t be gone to long, it’ll be dark soon. I’ll cook…” she answered hearing the door slam, “dinner.”

As soon as she was out the front door, she let her tears of anger and confusion fall. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Why do I always have to do this? Things were so perfect, and my stupid brain has to go ruin it all. I hate myself for thinking like this. I hate it, she thought as she moved quickly into the woods to the small stream that she and Sharon had found a couple of days previous.

She sat on a small rock, crossing her legs and burying her face in her hands. I’m never going to be happy. I just have to accept it. Why should I be happy anyway, it’s not like I’ve done anything to deserve it.

Alaska stayed sitting on the rock for over an hour as the looming darkness grew, unnoticed, around her. Her thoughts stewed in her brain, their words growing by the second as she allowed the depressive voices to roam to their hearts content, each one aiding her feeling of sheer and utter worthlessness and upset.

By the time Sharon made her way through the trees to the stream with an extra jacket under her arm and a torch in hand, Alaska’s tears had long since dried into cold, shining lines on her pale cheeks.

“Hi, Lasky” Sharon said softly, crouching down in front of her, reaching forward to pull the jacket she had brought with her around her girlfriends’ shoulders.

“Hi” Alaska whispered, lifting her eyes to meet Sharon’s.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“I’m sorry I left again. I always do this and it’s not fair” 

“Baby, it’s ok. We’re still figuring this out, you and me. Right? We’ll make mistakes or decisions and we’ll learn from them. And you didn’t really get to far away, doll. I knew you’d come back when you were ready. I only came out to give you this jacket and to tell you that I have made a delicious soup, if I do say so myself. But you are more than welcome to sit here, alone, a while longer if you need to” Sharon explained, taking her girlfriends hands in her own and rubbing them to warm them up.

“You know that even through all of this, no matter how miserable I feel, I have never and will never stop loving you?” Alaska asked, looking to her girlfriend for confirmation.

“I know, baby, I know” she replied, leaning her forehead gently against Alaska’s.

“I want to go home with you. Please?” Alaska asked quietly.

“Whatever you want, baby.” Sharon smiled, bringing her hands to her lips momentarily, before standing up and walking back slowly, hand in hand, to their warm home.

Once inside, Alaska sat on the couch, heating up by the fire while Sharon poured two bowls of soup, handing one to her girlfriend and eating a large spoon of her own.

“Thank you, Shar” Alaska smiled.

“My pleasure. As long as you don’t tell anyone that I have completely succumbed to the role of a fifties housewife”

“Yeah, you definitely look like a fifties housewife” Alaska grinned, gesturing to Sharon’s dark jeans and leather jacket.

Sharon pulled a face in return, internally smiling at the fact that Alaska seemed ok.

“You wanna tell me what happened tonight?” she asked hesitantly.

“Yeah. I guess… I guess I was feeling off all day. I don’t know, it’s just, I didn’t tell you because I thought it would pass. But then, upstairs it was like a sudden depressive wave just washed over me and I needed to escape. I don’t know why that’s my default response, but it is. I promise I’ll try work on it” Alaska admitted, staring down at her feet.

“Doll, it’s ok that you need space to deal with things sometimes. You’re allowed that, Lasky. Just so long as you talk to me eventually, or if you feel like hurting yourself, or that  
you’re not feeling safe to be alone that you can just say, I don’t know, baby kittens or some shit, that way you don’t have to talk about it, but I’ll know to stay near you.”

“Baby kittens?” Alaska laughed.

“I don’t know!”

“You’re an idiot. I love you.” 

“I love you too.”

 

It was mid-June by the time Courtney and Willam decided to drive up to the mountains to visit for a weekend. Sharon had been told that they would be arriving around lunchtime, so she had already been to the shop early that morning to stock up on food and prepare a lunch. As the clock rolled past three o’clock, Alaska began to worry that they had gotten lost, due to the fact that they had assured her they would be at the cabin by two. However, just as she picked up her phone to ring Courtney, she heard an obnoxious car horn from the road. Running to the door, she opened it only to be met with a very excited blonde wrapping her in a tight hug.

“Lasky!” Courtney yelled, squeezing her best friend tightly, “I missed you so much!”

“I missed you too Court!” Alaska smiled, squeezing her back, before peering behind her at Willam who was shutting the door of the car, “you let Willam drive?”

“Oh” Courtney blushed, “I.. well.. I didn’t really feel up to driving” she stumbled over her excuse.

“Well at least not after we stopped by that lake to..” Willam started.

“Bill!” Courtney squealed.

“Sorry, babe” Willam grinned.

“You whores actually stopped to fuck in a lake, didn’t you?” Sharon accused, joining them at the front door.

Courtney’s face turned a deep shade of crimson while Willam simply smiled widely, before wrapping her arms around Alaska.

“How are you doing, Lask?” she asked, hugging the taller girl.

“I’m good. Really.” Alaska assured her, “now come inside, you have to see how pretty it is, Court, you’ll love it!”

“I guess I’ll get the bags then” Willam called after her girlfriend, who had already disappeared upstairs in search of the spare bedroom.

“Don’t look at me, I’m not helping you. I slaved for hours over a hot stove to make a lunch that you were too busy skinny dipping, on a Thursday afternoon, to show up on time to” Sharon said, smirking at Willam before returning to the kitchen.

 

After spending half an hour running around the cabin with Courtney, who admired every colourful detail and personal touch, Alaska decided that they should have a campfire out back that night. She sent Courtney and Willam on a search for firewood, making them promise to keep their clothes on and their hands to themselves so as not to be stuck in the woods after dark. Begrudgingly, Willam obliged, and followed her giddy girlfriend into the mass of tall trees, yelling something about ruining her nails while cutting down trees over her shoulder as she went. Alaska returned, laughing, to her girlfriend in the kitchen, who had already begun preparing a meal for the evening.

“Hey babe?” Alaska said from behind her girlfriend.

“Mmm?”

“Do you think we have time for a shower before they get back?” 

Sharon turned to look her girlfriend in the eyes, smiling slightly, “what was that doll?”

“I said,” Alaska took a step forward, “do you think we have time for a shower?”

“I don’t know, baby, what do you think?”

Alaska closed the gap between them, kissing Sharon softly, but with an intense neediness, that went straight to her girlfriends’ core.

“Maybe a quick shower” Sharon gasped when they broke apart, grabbing Alaska’s hand and pulling her upstairs.

When Willam and Courtney returned over half an hour later, each with an armful of wood, the kitchen and living room were completely empty, receiving no reply when they called their friends’ names. Willam suggested that they might have gone out looking for herself and Courtney and had simply followed a separate trail, until they heard a bang and a soft curse from upstairs. Willam smirked knowingly at Courtney as Sharon and Alaska pulled on their clothes in a rush, Alaska rubbing her soaked hair with a towel before stumbling downstairs.

“And you told us to keep our clothes on?” Courtney teased as they appeared in the kitchen.

“Fuck off” Sharon retorted, kissing Alaska on the cheek and returning to the kitchen where she had left their half-prepared dinner.

With a little culinary assistance from Willam, Sharon managed to prepare a delicious meal for the four that they enjoyed at the kitchen table before moving outside to the campfire, where Courtney and Alaska had set up blankets and a fire surrounded by a perfect circle of rocks. They settled happily outside, toasting marshmallows that Courtney had remembered to buy on their trip, chatting contentedly for a while until Willam produced some form of alcoholic drink from the kitchen. 

Within the hour Courtney, Alaska and Willam were completely tipsy, while Sharon, who had a better stomach for alcohol enjoyed their drunken entertainment.

“Court, I bet me you and Willam could do a cartwheel over this fire together” Alaska said, ending her sentence in a hiccup.

“We could catch fire” Courtney giggled.

“That will be even prettier, like cheerleading fireworks” Alaska laughed, smiling joyfully at Sharon who watched on bemusedly.

“I say fuck it, let’s try” Willam said, standing up, shaking her half empty glass like pompoms.

“Bill, don’t!” Courtney squealed, “You’re getting me all wet”

“Wouldn’t be the first time today” Willam teased, winking.

Courtney and Alaska fell on the ground in fits of giggles at Willams antics.

“You’re all idiots” Sharon commented, feigning irritation until Alaska wrapped her arms around her neck, kissing her messily before giggling once more.

The rest of the night continued in the same fashion, all four girls consuming more and more alcohol which resulted in a drunken cartwheel display from the cheerleaders, a series of inappropriate jokes from an unfiltered Sharon, which amused and encouraged Willam no end, and a series of rather sloppy kisses from both couples. By the time they all stumbled inside and upstairs, the night was cold, the sky was dark and all four girls were well and truly happy. 

 

Courtney and Willam stayed for another couple of days before returning home, promising to visit again for a weekend before the summer ended. Alaska was sad to see her friends’ go, but on the other hand she was slightly relieved to regain her safe, familiar space with Sharon. She still had her bad days, which were easier to manage when it was just the two of them. Without their visitors, they fell back into their domestic routine of reading, writing, painting and walking. Sharon even taught Alaska how to cook pasta without turning it to mush. Their lives were becoming slightly easier, and that made all the difference.

For the first time in her life, Alaska had a positive secret she had been keeping from Sharon. A positive secret that had grown into two secrets and it was while they were on one of their many mountain walks that she decided to reveal her rather idealistic and ambitious, yet well organised plan to her girlfriend. There was something in her that told her that what she had planned, might just work.

“Shar, I have a secret to tell you” Alaska announced, sitting down on a large rock, crossing her legs, in front of Sharon, who sat opposite her,

“If you’re pregnant, I’m not the father” 

“Don’t be an idiot, of course you’re the father” Alaska laughed.

“Well, are we having a boy or a girl, then?” Sharon asked seriously.

Alaska laughed again, taking Sharon’s hands in her own, “No, this is a serious secret” she said.

“I’m listening.”

“So, I was thinking a lot about our life here. That it’s like a little piece of almost-perfect, and I started to get sad, because I knew we would have to leave at some point. And then I got really sad, so I stopped, and I made a plan, so I wasn’t upset because now we can stay.”

“Babe, you’re rambling, what’s going on?”

“You see, I, I saw this advertisement, down in the little village for a childcare programme, like a Kindergarten for four to six-year-olds,” she started.

“So you are pregnant?” Sharon interrupted.

“No! Shh, listen. They want a new staff member, so I called, and they told me they really need a full-time teacher after the summer ends, and I explained that I didn’t have much experience, but they wanted to meet me anyway. So last week, when you were painting, I met the lady who runs it, and she happens to know Dela. And, well, you see…. I kind of got the job.”

“Wow, Lasky, that… that’s incredible. And I’m so happy and proud of you… it’s just, how will all of this work. Where will we live? What will I do?” Sharon asked cautiously.

“That’s the best part!” Alaska exclaimed, “I talked to Dela about all of this, and she told me we can live here, in her cabin. She doesn’t use it and she’s happy to let us rent it, for as long as we like, she even promised to visit! And you will do what you’ve always done, baby, your art. Because you’re really, really talented. And Dela’s wife gave me numbers of local art dealers and management that you can contact. And we have my mom’s money. We’ll… we’ll be ok. I know it sounds completely mad and it’s a lot of work, and a huge step and… and… and I never asked you.” Alaska’s face suddenly fell, the feeling that she had made a plan for her and Sharon’s life without consulting her girlfriend. Her mind started to run rampant with self-doubt.

Sharon barely had a moment to take in all of the information she was being given as she saw Alaska’s mood change, almost immediately, as if it were happening in slow motion in front of her. Alaska dropped her girlfriend’s hands and felt her mind distancing itself from the situation immediately.

“Hang on, baby, listen to me. Don’t doubt yourself, please. This all sounds perfect. I promise. You did something incredible Alaska, you took your future and made something positive happen, not only for yourself, but for both of us.” Sharon assured her, lifting one of her hands to kiss it.

“You, you really think this might work? It’s ok if you don’t want it. I got so worked up in all of this that I didn’t even think…”

“Baby, it all sounds heavenly. If I can call some of the numbers Dela gave you of local art dealers and see if I can arrange something slightly permanent, I’m all for it. As long as we can live of our work, not from your mom’s money. You need to save that for something special.” Sharon smiled.

“Like our honeymoon?”

“Like our honeymoon” 

“You’re really ok with this?” Alaska asked quietly.

“More than ok”

“I love you” Alaska said simply, moving to sit in Sharon’s lap, brushing a stray strand of hair from her face.

“I love you too” Sharon smiled, leaning in to kiss her beautiful girlfriend, on top of a beautiful mountain, marking the beginning of their incredibly beautiful future.


End file.
